My Brother Took Our Mother's Life, And I Think I Understand Why

On September 25, 2007, my brother took our mother’s life. Over the last 14 years, I’ve been repeatedly asked the same question: “Why?” This question suggests that there might be a justifiable reason for her death, a notion I find troubling. However, I too had to confront this question—not just for closure, but to ensure our family’s tragic history does not repeat itself. In reflecting on this, I realized the deeper inquiry is about the origins of such profound hatred.

Let me clarify: I am not a professional or a scholar on this subject. I don’t hold a prestigious degree, but I grew up in an environment where one of three family members harbored a hatred so intense that it culminated in violence. I offer my perspective based on a twenty-two-year observation.

Understanding the Roots of Violence

Why did my brother turn out the way he did? I firmly believe that no one is born with the intention to harm others. Humans inherently rely on each other for survival. While some may have a genetic predisposition toward aggression, our social interactions shape our behaviors significantly. So, how do some individuals commit heinous acts while others devote their lives to societal betterment?

I think the answer lies in attachment.

From as early as age three, people remarked that my brother, Ethan, seemed “different.” This was the same year our father abandoned our family, and the year I was born. My mother was thrust into single parenthood. Such upheaval can profoundly alter someone’s life. As a parent myself, I feel the deep bond I share with my young children; losing that connection would undoubtedly affect them. But would it drive them to harbor hatred and inflict harm? I don’t think so.

The Impact of Isolation

What if they faced ongoing abandonment? Isolation can diminish empathy, leading to a disconnection from the world. This was Ethan’s experience. He was short, bullied, and never quite fit in with his peers. Diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome as a child, his tics set him apart, making him feel even more isolated. As he grew older, his behavior became increasingly erratic, and he fell into fights, fueled by raging anger. The school system failed him; back then, it was dismissed with phrases like “boys will be boys.” In our affluent neighborhood, where perfect SAT scores were the norm, he was an outlier.

As he entered young adulthood, Ethan struggled to find connections. While our mother believed in his potential, the pressure of her expectations became overwhelming, leading him to attempt suicide twice. His anger also began to manifest physically—he would lash out at us or the walls of our home.

The Escalation of Violence

Throughout middle school, I witnessed the struggles of both Ethan and our mother. Society’s judgment piled on them, telling my mother she was failing and labeling my brother as less valuable. Their repeated failures and the lack of support made it unbearable for me to watch, let alone for them to endure. His aggression escalated, targeting our bodies, property, and mental well-being.

At 22, Ethan moved out to gain some distance. My mother could no longer accommodate his rage. Unfortunately, his time away led him to a turbulent military career, which quickly unraveled as his mental health issues surfaced. Though he received an honorable discharge, he returned home angrier and more isolated than before.

The Tragic Outcome

In summary, after years of being told he was different and feeling disconnected, Ethan tragically took our mother’s life.

Individuals like Ethan often lash out at strangers, carrying weapons and executing plans to inflict pain. They demonstrate the depth of their isolation by spreading the hurt they have felt. This is where the hatred originates.

Fostering Change

So, what can we do to foster change? While responsibility for these heinous acts lies with the perpetrators, we can all contribute to a society that nurtures love rather than hate. Isolation and anger are natural emotions, yet some individuals channel their pain into revenge. It’s not solely the government’s role to restrict weapons, nor is it just about parental failures. It’s about love. Regardless of our backgrounds, we have a collective responsibility to help others, to embrace those in distress, and to foster a sense of belonging.

As the Red Hot Chili Peppers remind us, “Red, black or white, this is my fight, come on courage, let’s be heard, turn feelings into words.” Let’s initiate conversations that make everyone feel valued and accepted. Only then will we begin to dissolve hatred. Until we can open our hearts—stay safe, everyone.