I began my journey with trauma therapy about three months ago. Realizing that my mother embodied narcissistic traits helped me understand that many of my psychological struggles stemmed from emotional abuse and neglect, leading to my diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Unlike PTSD, which typically arises from a singular traumatic event, CPTSD develops from prolonged exposure to multiple traumatic experiences, often beginning in childhood.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I can see the signs of emotional abuse clearly now. I was frequently blamed for not having friends, criticized for lacking “common sense,” and told I was “too sensitive.” My brother received preferential treatment while I was often overlooked. My mother allowed his long blonde hair to grow while mine was ruthlessly cut short. My struggles with anxiety and depression were dismissed, and I was only ever praised for being thin, while my brother received accolades for his looks. Even during significant achievements, like being inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, my mother showed little interest or pride, often redirecting my focus towards more “practical” pursuits.
When I recognized that I was grappling with CPTSD, I knew I needed professional help and reached out to a trauma therapist.
Understanding My Therapy Process
My therapy sessions occur weekly, with the option to reach out for emergency sessions when I feel overwhelmed. I initially expected our work to focus on major issues like my loneliness and depression. Instead, we delved into seemingly ordinary events and feelings that were, in fact, deeply traumatic.
For instance, I learned that my name was chosen out of spite, and I’d never fully grasped why I felt such a strong aversion to it. This revelation was painful but necessary. I’ve now settled on the name Zalie (Zay-lee), a rearrangement of my original name, which I love.
I also discovered that my obsession with long blonde hair stemmed from my mother’s admiration for my brother’s hair. I now sport short black hair and plan to grow it out and cut it into a bob once again. My struggles with body image were tied to the fact that my mother only praised me when I was thin. While my eating disorder remains a challenge, I’m learning to manage it better by letting go of old, judgmental clothing.
Trauma therapy has liberated me to explore my interests without the shadow of my mother’s opinions. I’ve re-embraced my love for punk rock music, which I had suppressed for years, and have even invested in a drum kit to pursue my passion for music. I’ve found joy in dressing how I please, wearing band T-shirts, and connecting with others who share my interests.
Embracing Change and Authenticity
At 40 years old, I’ve realized that I spent decades reacting to trauma rather than living authentically. But through therapy, I’ve learned to celebrate my accomplishments and recognize my worth. Sure, I still have moments of struggle, and healing is not linear, but I’m well on my way to reclaiming my identity.
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In summary, trauma therapy is a transformative journey that has helped me uncover my true self, allowing me to break free from the constraints of my past. I’m learning to embrace who I am, and that journey is invaluable.
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