I embarked on my trauma therapy journey around three months ago. After uncovering that my mother exhibited narcissistic traits, I came to understand that many of my mental health struggles were rooted in emotional neglect and abuse, leading to my diagnosis of CPTSD: complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Unlike PTSD, which arises from a single traumatic incident, CPTSD often develops from prolonged exposure to multiple traumatic events, especially during childhood.
My own childhood was marked by significant trauma. I experienced emotional abuse, being told I was at fault for my lack of friendships, constantly criticized for not having “common sense,” and labeled as “too sensitive.” I was often pushed to the sidelines while my siblings received undue attention. My mother allowed my brother’s hair to grow long while she cut mine short. My mental health struggles, including severe anxiety and depression, were dismissed by my parents. While he received compliments for his looks, I was only acknowledged for being thin. Even my academic achievements, like joining the Phi Beta Kappa society, went unnoticed. I often felt overshadowed and invalidated.
Realizing the depth of my CPTSD prompted me to seek help from a trauma therapist.
The Process of Trauma Therapy
My weekly sessions with my therapist have been life-changing. Initially, I expected to address significant issues, like my loneliness and untreated depression. Instead, we delved into seemingly ordinary experiences that were, in fact, sources of trauma that compounded over time.
For instance, I learned that I was nameless for a week after my birth because my mother had anticipated a boy. When she finally chose my name, it was one she associated with disdain for my paternal grandmother. I grew up using my mother’s toiletries and never received guidance on basic self-care. I was often reminded of my worthlessness, which led me to suppress my own identity in favor of pleasing her. The realization struck me hard, leaving me emotionally drained after each session.
Yet, my therapist emphasized that my experiences were typical for children of narcissists. She reassured me that while my trauma would always be part of my life, it didn’t have to define me.
Embracing Change
The transformation began with small, yet profound realizations. I was devastated to discover that my name, which I had always disliked, was chosen out of spite. I longed for a name that represented love. After much reflection, I have settled on Zalie, a name I adore.
I also explored my affinity for long blonde hair, which I now understand was rooted in my mother’s preference for my brother’s hair. My own hair is now short and dark, a reflection of my true self. Recognizing that my obsession with being thin stemmed from my mother’s praise for my weight, I made strides to manage my eating disorder more effectively. I even let go of old jeans that symbolized my past struggles with body image.
Moreover, I discovered that my distaste for certain activities was influenced by my mother’s preferences. I now enjoy both the beach and mountains, freed from the constraints of her opinions. Most importantly, I reconnected with my love for punk rock music, which I had abandoned to conform to my mother’s tastes. I embraced my identity, bought band T-shirts, and even began playing the drums—something I was denied growing up.
I’ve stopped seeing myself as a failure. My therapist helped me recognize my accomplishments, and I now take pride in my writing and my role as a mother.
Being True to Myself
At forty, I refuse to let the opinions of others dictate my choices. If someone thinks my choker chain is silly or dislikes my hairstyle, that’s their problem, not mine. As a new favorite punk band, You Over Me, aptly puts it, “I’ll never be ashamed to be myself.”
My journey isn’t over. I still face challenges and moments of vulnerability. But I am becoming the person I was meant to be, and that is a victory worth celebrating.
For more insights on personal growth and healing, check out this other blog post and consider exploring Make a Mom’s resources for a deeper understanding of relationships and self-empowerment. If you’re looking for expert advice on fertility, Hopkins Medicine is an excellent resource.
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