I have attempted to disengage from Christianity numerous times over the years. It feels strange, as my partner insists I have already distanced myself from it. To him, being a Christian is measured by external actions: Do I attend church? Do I pray before meals? Do I engage in typical Christian activities?
However, for me, Christianity represents a belief system—one that actively seeks justice, equity, and a reconnection of humanity with the divine. From my viewpoint, the further I strayed from the mainstream understanding of Christianity (often characterized as white and western), the more authentically Christian I became.
So, no, I do not participate in many of these outward expressions of faith. Although my partner recognized my departure long before I acknowledged it myself, the process of disentangling my identity from the notion of a deity—Christian or otherwise—has felt disorienting.
Christianity has been interwoven into my identity for nearly four decades, its roots running deep. Many of my past friendships were established in church settings, thriving in Bible studies and social gatherings. Similarly, many of my current friendships are anchored in a shared religious foundation—though not exclusively, a significant part arises from our common commitment to progressivism and following Jesus in that context. My foundation for social justice is heavily influenced by the gospel, serving as a crucial element.
It feels akin to going through a divorce as I, of all people, find myself “falling away” from religion. Upon reflection, I realize I might have departed much earlier if not for the fear of losing my community.
Recognizing the Abusive Nature of Christianity
Yes, I know this comparison can be provocative, but where is the falsehood? Let’s examine a few beliefs frequently associated with Christianity, particularly as they manifest in our white, Western, patriarchal society:
- You are inherently flawed from birth.
- No one can love you as thoroughly as God does—and you will never find such love elsewhere.
- God sacrificed for you because of your shortcomings.
- You can attain a new life only by abandoning everything and following Him.
- You must renounce your old self and seek guidance solely from God.
- Surrender control of your finances and every aspect of your life to God.
- Love no one more than God—He is the first and foremost.
Christianity teaches that your heart belongs exclusively to God. But what happens when you lose faith? How do you extract your heart without feeling as though you’re dying?
Does this not sound abusive? Imagine someone demanding that you feel this way about them. If my child were in a relationship like this—hell, if they were friends with someone like this—I would urge them to escape.
One friend expressed her thoughts about the evangelical depiction of God as an idol reflecting abusive, power-hungry men—narcissistic and self-absorbed. And she’s spot on.
Moreover, many churches propagate these harmful beliefs. Let’s quickly compare some characteristics of abusive individuals with those often found in religious institutions:
- Humiliation and Undermining Self-Esteem: From labeling you a sinner to downplaying your achievements by crediting them to God, the belittlement is classic abusive behavior.
- Control and Shame: Churches use these tactics to maintain conformity, threatening your salvation and demanding financial contributions to prove your faith.
- Codependence: This is fundamental to the church’s approach—teaching that you should rely solely on God, disregarding personal relationships.
- Isolation: Christians are frequently instructed to separate themselves from the world, positioning themselves as a divine beacon.
- Accusation and Gaslighting: If you challenge or question the church’s stance, you’re often met with accusations of sin, which clouds your ability to see the truth.
Is it any wonder that many Christians—especially women of color and members of the LGBTQIA+ community—feel worthless? The church has taught that women are responsible for sin entering the world, that we’re born into sin, and that without Christ, we are nothing.
We are made to feel monstrous.
I can already hear the rebuttals from Christians. (Believe me, I’ve been involved in evangelism and studied theology for enjoyment. If arguments could convert, many would already be saved.)
I understand that God, being divine, deserves priority. However, if this God embodies abusive traits, why should I remain loyal? Despite the long list of abusive characteristics, I’m sure Christians will argue that the fault lies with individuals, not the religion itself. But how many times can this excuse be made before it sounds hollow?
Could it be that the problematic behavior stems from the religion itself? Perhaps I’m not the monster. Maybe the true monster is Christianity.
For additional insights, check out this related post on Home Insemination, which explores personal journeys in a different context. And if you’re looking for authoritative information on home insemination, visit Make a Mom for their resources. Additionally, Mount Sinai offers excellent guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Leaving Christianity can feel like escaping an abusive relationship, deeply intertwined with one’s identity and community. The teachings and practices can resemble manipulative behaviors, creating feelings of worthlessness and dependency. Recognizing these dynamics is essential for personal liberation and healing.
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