The meaning of motherhood has transformed alongside my personal growth.
I often found myself reflecting on my children’s experiences growing up with me as their mother. They have witnessed my journey, intertwined with my choices, as I navigated through significant changes: divorce, re-marriage, another divorce, getting sober, and ultimately, coming out.
In the past, I viewed this list as a series of failures—like a rap sheet. Now, I see it differently: as a ladder of resilience. I climbed out of each situation, with my kids as steadfast witnesses. They would tell you it wasn’t easy to hold on. Change can be daunting for children, and they each adapted in their own ways. Each divorce brought shifts in our socio-economic status and family dynamics. I remember sitting them down each time to create lists of “what will stay the same” and “what will change.” This exercise helped us recognize the constants in our relationship, even amidst turbulence.
Growing Up Alongside My Children
When I had my first child, I was just 22 and knew little about raising young ones. I was still figuring out who I was and had to evolve into the person I am today. This evolution included acknowledging mistakes in my past relationships and making difficult choices that led us to new homes, even when the process was painful.
All these changes led to me becoming a better parent—someone who prioritizes self-care to better care for her family. For me, this meant achieving sobriety and eventually embracing my identity as a queer woman.
I recently shared my story of recovery and self-acceptance on a larger platform. Although I was accustomed to being open in front of strangers, sharing my truth with my loved ones felt different. I worried my kids might feel betrayed by my revelations. After I sent them links to the posts, I grew anxious as I awaited their reaction.
That evening, while putting away dishes in the dark, my children burst through the door, grinning with excitement.
- “Who was that guy you dated before you got sober?”
- “Where are we in your story?”
- “Can you write about us someday?”
- “I didn’t realize how tough things were for you, sorry, Mom.”
- “I’m glad you don’t drink anymore, and I think it’s cool that you write. Plus, my friends liked your pictures!”
Their reaction left me speechless. I had braced myself for a more painful response, but instead, they opened the door to meaningful conversations about life, love, and our shared experiences.
The Evolving Nature of Love
The pieces of our family dynamic still haven’t fully come together, but I no longer feel the guilt I once carried for giving my kids an unconventional upbringing. If they can see that change and redefinition are not only possible but also positive, I have no regrets.
I can’t feel guilty for sharing my vulnerabilities while ensuring their safety. Despite the many changes in our lives, one thing remained constant: I was always their safe haven, striving to be a stable, albeit imperfect, presence. Motherhood meant being a caretaker, teacher, witness, and guide. The meaning of our journey has evolved repeatedly, and I suspect it always will.
As part of the queer community, I’ve witnessed the beauty of chosen family—the connections we forge when our biological families might dismiss us. I have become a mother figure to those who feel misunderstood, providing a sense of belonging when they lack it. Love often manifests in unexpected ways, teaching me that it encompasses empathy, pride, and joy, blending together in beautiful complexity.
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In summary, my journey through motherhood has been marked by significant transformations, including two divorces, achieving sobriety, and embracing my identity. These experiences, while challenging, have shaped me into a more resilient and compassionate parent. Love, in its many forms, continues to guide our family as we navigate life together.
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