It’s around 3:30 AM, and I find myself wide awake. I may have dozed off briefly while standing beside the crib, my 6-month-old gripping my finger tightly. I didn’t mind being trapped in that moment; at least he was finally asleep.
My mother often reminded me that one day I would experience the same challenges I posed to her as a child. It’s amusing to think that while my firstborn was a peaceful sleeper, my second child has brought on my “payback.” In the stillness of the night, reflections arise, amplified by exhaustion.
As a child, I experienced intense anxiety that began with bedwetting. I dreaded falling asleep, fearing I would awaken soaked. The dreaded trek to my parents’ room is vivid in my memory, as I recall their slumbering figures, unsure who would respond to my gentle nudging for help. Just as I began to master my fears, my parents separated, introducing a new layer of emotional challenges.
I was naturally shy and deeply sensitive, traits that lingered into adulthood and affected my early marriage. It felt as though my authentic self was muted. Then, I had my own children, and the flood of insecurities clashed with the overwhelming desire to be a good parent. I often think, with a mix of gratitude and regret, that I wish the me of today could counsel the me of the past. I ponder what struggles my children will face as they grow.
While I wish for my boys to emerge as strong, confident individuals, I know that’s an unrealistic expectation. Each person I’ve met who appeared to have it all together eventually revealed their own struggles that shaped them. Initially, these thoughts about my sons fill me with concern. In the next room, one of my boys is wearing underwear to bed for the first time instead of a pull-up. Ironically, I never realized I was struggling during my childhood; I was simply navigating life. We all face challenges, and we find ways to confront and overcome them.
My children are already on this journey of growth, even if they are unaware of it. So am I. Growth often comes from doing things differently the next time around. For instance, if we decided to cultivate a garden, we might space the seeds further apart on our second attempt, but we always see progress. While I reflect on these thoughts, I’ll document them here so they have a lasting presence in this world.
To my boys: I don’t regret my mistakes. I will only regret it if you fail to see that these small missteps may be what ultimately leads to your perfection.
“There are two kinds of perfection: the unattainable and the kind that arises from simply being yourself.” -Lauren King
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In summary, the journey of parenthood is filled with challenges, growth, and the realization that perfection is subjective. Each experience helps shape our children into the individuals they will become, and it’s essential to embrace the imperfections along the way.
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