20 Insights from Two Decades of Marriage

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Last week marked a significant milestone: 20 years of marriage for my partner and me. Our journey together began much earlier, as we were high school sweethearts, and this fall, we will celebrate 29 years together. That’s quite a stretch of time!

I’m not one for overly sentimental posts about relationships. I cherish my marriage, but I believe there’s a lot of unrealistic fluff surrounding the concept of marriage. The essence of a healthy partnership can’t be captured in a quirky meme or a heartfelt greeting card. Additionally, much of the marriage advice out there can lead to disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

Nonetheless, people frequently ask how we’ve maintained our relationship over the years. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure! We share many of the same values about family and commitment, and our personalities mesh well. However, when I sat down to reflect, I discovered I had plenty to say about what’s contributed to our enduring partnership. Here are 20 insights I’ve gained from two decades of marriage:

1. Choose Someone Who Makes You Laugh
   Humor is vital in marriage and life. If you can’t face the challenges of parenting with a sense of humor, surviving might be tough. My partner has an incredible sense of humor, and it’s a cornerstone of our relationship.
2. You’ll Revisit the Same Arguments
   You might not realize it initially, but you’ll find yourselves revisiting the same issues repeatedly, albeit with different contexts. Recognizing this pattern can help you navigate conflicts more effectively.
3. Accept What Won’t Change
   Some traits in your partner and yourself won’t evolve. Over time, you’ll recognize these and stop trying to reshape each other.
4. Clarifying Your Non-Negotiables
   While you learn to embrace your partner’s quirks, you’ll also pinpoint what you absolutely cannot accept in the relationship.
5. You’ll Feel Like You’re Figuring It All Out
   No matter how many years pass, you may still feel like you’re navigating life’s challenges for the first time. However, you’ll grow more confident that things will sort themselves out.
6. Make Time for Each Other
   Scheduling alone time might seem unromantic, but as life gets busier, prioritizing dates and intimacy becomes essential.
7. You’ll Change and Stay the Same
   You’ll always carry the essence of who you were when you first fell in love, yet you’ll also evolve through various life stages.
8. It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry
   While conventional wisdom suggests resolving conflicts before sleep, sometimes a little time and space can provide perspective.
9. You Can Overcome Tough Times Together
   Some years will be incredibly challenging, but facing hardships together will strengthen your bond and resilience.
10. Love Requires Action
    True love means showing up and sharing responsibilities, rather than one partner bearing the full weight of the relationship.
11. Desire Fluctuates
    While a lack of intimacy can be detrimental, recognizing that desire will ebb and flow is part of the journey.
12. Shared Core Beliefs Matter
    Alignment on fundamental values becomes increasingly important as time passes.
13. Marriage Isn’t Constant Happiness
    It’s unrealistic to expect perpetual joy in marriage. Emotional safety and support are what truly matter.
14. Cultivate Your Own Interests
    Maintain an identity outside of your marriage. Relying solely on your partner for fulfillment creates an unhealthy dynamic.
15. Little Annoyances Persist
    You may never fully stop being annoyed by certain habits, like slurping soup or leaving socks around.
16. Partner Up for Chores You Dislike
    Having an understanding about who handles unpleasant tasks can make life easier.
17. Understand Growing Old Together
    As you reach middle age, you’ll grasp the true meaning of growing old alongside someone.
18. Honesty Becomes Easier
    With time, discussing personal issues becomes more straightforward and freeing.
19. Avoid Comparing Marriages
    Every relationship is unique; comparing yours to others often leads to confusion and frustration.
20. Surviving a Crisis is a Good Sign
    Experiencing a global crisis together can clarify the strength of your bond. If you can endure that, you can face anything.

This list is shaped by my personal experiences, and I acknowledge that others may have different perspectives. As the saying goes, “Take what resonates with you and leave the rest.”

For more insights, you might find this post on home insemination interesting, as well as the resources available at Mount Sinai. If you’re looking to explore home insemination, visit Make a Mom for expert advice.

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In summary, marriage is a journey filled with laughter, challenges, and growth. It requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. Ultimately, it’s about cherishing the person beside you through all of life’s ups and downs.