Last week marked a significant milestone: my partner and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. We’ve actually been together even longer, having started our journey as high school sweethearts, which means we’ll soon be celebrating 29 years together. That’s quite a long time, isn’t it?
I’m not one to indulge in overly sentimental posts about marriage. While I cherish my relationship, I believe that the institution of marriage is often surrounded by unrealistic expectations and clichés. A strong partnership cannot be distilled into a simple quote or social media post. In fact, many common pieces of marriage advice can lead to disappointment.
Still, people frequently ask how my partner and I have sustained our relationship for so long. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure! I suspect it’s because we share similar values regarding marriage, family, and relationships, and our personalities complement each other nicely. However, when I took some time to reflect on what has made our marriage successful, I found I had plenty to share. Over the years, I’ve gathered insights that contribute to resilient, lasting relationships.
So, here are 20 lessons learned throughout my two decades of marriage:
- Choose Someone Who Makes You Laugh
Humor is crucial in both marriage and life. Raising children can be challenging, and a good sense of humor is vital to navigating those trials. My partner is the funniest person I know, and I truly believe our marriage thrives on laughter. - Expect to Repeat the Same Arguments
You may not realize it initially, but you’ll find yourself having the same arguments repeatedly, albeit with different contexts. Recognizing this will help you handle these situations better each time they arise. - Accept Unchangeable Traits
Some aspects of your partner and yourself will remain constant over the years. Accepting this truth will free you from the futile effort of trying to change each other. - Clarify Your Non-Negotiables
While you’ll learn to accept your partner as they are, you’ll also become more aware of your own limits in the relationship. This knowledge can strengthen your bond. - Embrace Uncertainty
Even after years together, it may still feel like you’re figuring it all out—be it finances, job choices, or parenting. New challenges will arise, but you’ll grow more confident that you can tackle them together. - Prioritize Alone Time
Scheduling date nights or intimate moments may seem unromantic, but as life gets busier, it becomes essential. Embrace the necessity of planning these moments. - Recognize Changes in Yourself and Your Partner
While you’ll always share a foundation of love, you’ll also notice how much you both grow and evolve through different life stages. - It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry
Rather than feeling pressured to resolve everything before sleep, allow yourselves the space to process difficult feelings. Trust that time and rest can bring clarity. - You’re Stronger Together
Some years will be tougher than others, but facing challenges together builds resilience. Each hurdle will reinforce your bond and confidence in overcoming future obstacles. - Love Requires Action
Marriage is about showing up for each other. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s demonstrated through shared responsibilities and support. - Desire Fluctuates
It’s normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow. Open communication about this aspect of your relationship is essential to navigate any dry spells. - Shared Core Beliefs Are Key
While minor disagreements are manageable, aligning on fundamental values becomes increasingly vital for a lasting marriage. - Happiness Isn’t Constant
Being “happily married” doesn’t mean being happy all the time. It’s more about feeling emotionally secure and knowing your partner is there for you. - Cultivate Your Interests
It’s crucial to maintain your own identity outside of the marriage. Relying on your partner for all your emotional needs can strain the relationship. - Expect Irritation Over Time
You’ll never completely stop being annoyed by certain habits—like slurping soup or leaving socks around. - Team Up on Household Tasks
Establish a system where you both pitch in, especially when one of you makes a mess. It’s a simple yet effective way to support each other. - Understand Growing Old Together
As you both age, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of what it means to share life’s later years together, including dealing with challenges that come with it. - Honesty Becomes Easier
Over time, discussing sensitive topics becomes more natural. You’ll find it liberating to share even the most awkward thoughts. - Avoid Comparisons
In the early days, you might look at other marriages for guidance. However, you’ll learn that what works for one couple may not fit another. - Surviving a Crisis Strengthens Bonds
The recent global pandemic highlighted many relationships. For those who made it through, it became evident that if your marriage can withstand such pressure, it can endure anything.
These reflections are based on my own experiences, and I recognize that other couples may have different perspectives. That’s perfectly fine! As the saying goes, “Take what resonates and leave the rest.” My partner might even have a different take on some of these points, but that’s part of what makes our marriage dynamic and healthy. Love you, babe!
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In summary, twenty years of marriage has taught me invaluable lessons about partnership, patience, and personal growth. While every relationship is unique, these insights may resonate with others on a similar journey.
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