If Half-Hearted Efforts Were an Olympic Sport, My Kids Would Take Home All the Gold

at home insemination kit

Parenting
By Jamie Collins
Updated: Sep. 7, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 7, 2021

I’m blessed with four incredible kids, and I often marvel at my good fortune. That is, until I ask them to do something, and then I’m reminded that they are the undisputed champions of half-hearted efforts. If there were an Olympic event for this, I’d have four gold medalists on my hands. When there’s a will, there’s a way—my kids have the will, but their approach is far from what I envision. It’s not just one of them; they all excel in their own unique ways of cutting corners.

For instance, when I ask them to put their laundry away, you might expect them to neatly fold their shirts and sort their pants. But my kids have a different strategy: they just toss everything into the drawers. One of my children is particularly skilled at this—he can leave one drawer almost empty while cramming another so full that it teeters on the brink of explosion. I used to refold the mess, but now I find myself succumbing to the same lazy habits. Sure, he might be a wrinkled mess, but at least the clothes smell fresh from the detergent.

Now, let’s talk about the kitchen. They’re tasked with doing the dishes, but this comes with its own set of complaints and battles over who did it last. Once the dust settles, the way they load the dishwasher is a sight to behold. Instead of maximizing space, they prioritize speed, leaving a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. After all, why waste time cleaning when you could be back on your game console?

I occasionally ask them to sweep the floors, which should be a straightforward task. They will sweep, but then abandon the broom and dustpan right there in the middle of the room. Instead of returning the tools to their place, they figure it’s easier to leave them on the floor. Of course, we wouldn’t want to mess up the countertops with leftover dirt, so they toss the dustpan in the sink—maybe it’ll get a rinse someday.

And then there are the dolls. We have a plethora of them, and I spend hours dressing and styling their hair, often using silly voices for fun. When bedtime rolls around, I carefully dress the dolls in pajamas, only to return later and find them strewn about like a scene from a horror movie. They come close to putting them to bed, but somehow, they always fall short.

Now, let’s discuss trash collection. This might take the cake for my favorite instance of half-heartedness. I live in a two-story house with four bedrooms and bathrooms, and I ask them to collect the trash.

“Tomorrow is trash day; please gather it and take it to the street,” I say.
“Sure!” they reply, but when I check the downstairs bathroom, the trash is overflowing. By the time I go outside to find the cans, they’re blocking my car—facing the wrong way, no less! This is the pinnacle of half-heartedness.

While I often remind them to give their best effort, they somehow manage to half-ass it better than anyone else. But you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. When they’re away, I miss them terribly, and I eagerly await their return. Finding a dustpan in the sink is just a reminder of how much I love them and how excited I am for them to come home.

I could go on, but I need to head upstairs to tackle my own laundry. Fingers crossed I don’t trip over any of their half-hearted efforts along the way—those clothes are sure to be scattered around, just waiting to say, “Add another point for the champions of half-assery!”

For more insights on parenting and home-based activities, check out this other blog post. If you’re looking for more information on home insemination, Make a Mom is a fantastic resource, as is the CDC for pregnancy information.

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Summary:

This humorous take on parenting highlights the author’s experiences with her four children, who embody the art of half-hearted efforts in various household tasks. From laundry to dishwashing to doll care, their antics provide both comedic relief and a relatable glimpse into the challenges of parenthood. Despite the chaos, the author cherishes these moments and eagerly awaits her children’s return home.