I can barely see my beautiful kitchen table. Just this week, I stumbled upon a pile of notebooks tucked away on a shelf beneath our bearded dragon. My electronic drum set has completely taken over the living room, while Amazon boxes seem to multiply in the corner. Navigating to my closet feels like climbing a mountain of blankets and sweaters, leaving my dresser empty and laundry baskets overflowing. And you know what? I really don’t mind. Come visit regardless. The state of my home doesn’t dictate my worth as a person.
Let’s be honest: take a moment to examine your biases. You probably think I’m just a lazy slob. Why don’t I get up and tidy up? Why not shove those clothes into drawers, recycle those boxes, and organize my life? Surely, I should be “doing better” and tackling that dust, vacuuming, and scrubbing floors.
But guess what? I’m perfectly fine with my choices.
My wonderful partner and I are raising three kids, each two years apart, alongside three dogs—one of which could easily outsize me. We both hold full-time jobs (yes, my writing is full-time, even if I do it from home) and we homeschool our children. On top of that, every person in our household has ADHD, and I personally manage Bipolar II. A long time ago, we decided that we could either maintain a spotless home or have joyful kids. We chose joy.
Now, I hear the counterarguments. “But you can do both!” you say. Why can’t we? You probably think we’re just lazy or lacking in self-respect. If we truly cared, we’d clean up our messy home. Deep down, there’s a belief that a messy house indicates some kind of moral failing on our part.
Here’s the truth: it doesn’t.
A Messy Home Is Not a Measure of Morality
Let’s clear the air: cleanliness is not synonymous with godliness. This misconception traces back to our Puritan roots. While Francis Bacon may have been one of the first to suggest cleanliness was akin to holiness, it was John Wesley, founder of Methodism, who made it famous in a sermon in the late 1700s. And even before then, advice on cleanliness was being dispensed in various forms. The Victorian era only intensified this belief, equating a tidy home with virtue.
So why do we link a messy home with moral character? Why can’t we consider that perhaps someone is just busy with life? Why is it so hard to understand that someone may just prioritize other things or be neurodiverse and not focus on the clutter?
There’s no valid reason to judge.
What harm comes to my kids from growing up in a home with a bit of messiness? Not a cluttered, vermin-infested place, but a home that’s lived in? They won’t learn to clean? Not quite; we involve them when we do. They’ll become slobs? That’s just a moral judgment and irrelevant. They’ll miss out socially because we can’t host? Real friends don’t judge. If we know visitors are coming, we tidy the main areas, but dishes might still pile up in the sink and boxes may linger in the living room. My kids might clean their rooms—sometimes.
Will they suffer because we can’t find things? Generally, we can. Those notebooks were hidden beneath three binders in an area I rarely visit because I prefer to avoid our bearded dragon and LEGO room for foot safety. My husband can locate any book on our chaotic shelves in under a minute, and my youngest can find any stuffed animal. I don’t misplace my T-shirts or drumsticks.
You’re judging based on the learned belief that a messy home equals laziness.
You Are Not Defined by Your Mess
Take a deep breath.
Maybe your home is a bit cluttered. Perhaps you have heaps of laundry. Maybe you have kids, too. We realized, given our circumstances and the personalities in our household, that we could either keep cleaning or choose happiness. It took courage to embrace this messiness; after years of hearing that a cluttered home equated to laziness, allowing things to pile up was an act of bravery. Back in grad school, we maintained a neat home, but once children entered the picture, everything changed.
I needed more… time. More time to play with my kids. More time for my own work. More time for homeschooling. After living through 2020, you know that homeschooling isn’t just about workbooks while you tackle laundry. I dedicate hours to teaching, and I cherish that.
But all that engagement takes time to recharge. For those with spotless homes, how often do you take time for yourself? I’m learning to play the drums—do you have that kind of time, too? Would you feel guilty indulging in a hobby? My partner is currently enjoying a movie. Would you resent your partner for taking that time? And don’t assume I’m sleeping in; I’m often up between 4 and 5 a.m.
We all make choices. Why is the choice to embrace a messy home a moral failing?
Here’s the secret: it’s not. It’s simply a choice, like scrolling through social media or walking your dog. When my therapist told me that my messy house didn’t define my moral character, I was overwhelmed with relief. Someone finally gave me the freedom to recognize that I am not my mess. I am not my laundry pile, my dirty dishes, or my unorganized boxes. I am not my cluttered home.
No one has the right to judge your character based on your surroundings. A disorganized house doesn’t reflect your goodness or badness. A neat freak can harbor ill intentions while a generous soul might live in chaos. Understand this: I am a good person. I’m a loyal friend, a caring parent, and a decent spouse. I strive to make the world a better place. None of this has anything to do with the state of my home.
I give you the same permission my therapist gave me: You are not defined by your messy home.
For more insights on similar topics, you can check out this other blog post or explore Make a Mom for detailed information about home insemination kits. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
This article discusses the misconception that a messy house reflects a person’s moral character. The author shares personal experiences of balancing a busy household with three children and pets, emphasizing the choice between maintaining a tidy home and fostering happiness. The piece challenges societal judgments that equate cleanliness with virtue, ultimately advocating for self-acceptance regardless of one’s living conditions.
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