My Spouse and I Are Embarking on a Home Renovation, and I'm Not Sure Our Marriage Can Handle It

My spouse and I have never undertaken a significant home renovation, and the idea of building a house feels both daunting and costly. Neither of us is particularly handy, so attempting any DIY projects would likely do more harm than good—whether it’s tiling a floor, refinishing cabinets, or sprucing up the landscaping.

Compounding our challenges are our contrasting personalities. I’m organized and decisive, while my spouse tends to procrastinate and is detail-oriented, focused on finances. Given our differences and lack of experience with home projects, I’m left questioning our decision to finish the basement. We long for the extra space, but can our relationship withstand a project that neither of us is equipped to handle?

We’ve been together for over two decades, having dated for four years, been engaged for a year, and then married. Throughout our time together, we’ve moved three times, always into ready-to-live-in homes. We’ve tackled smaller tasks, usually with the assistance of skilled professionals. The thought of getting my hands dirty, especially while working alongside my spouse, is not something I relish. I love him dearly, but I have my doubts about us becoming an HGTV-style couple.

Decision-Making Styles

One major hurdle is our decision-making styles. I tend to make quick choices and stick to them. If I make a mistake, I forgive myself swiftly and move forward. I avoid overthinking because my daily life is filled with decisions, and I wouldn’t accomplish much if I spent too long deliberating. I prefer to “pick and stick.”

My spouse, on the other hand, contemplates decisions for days, weeks, or even months—often landing in the land of indecision. When he does finally settle on something, it’s usually not a firm yes. I often remind him that failing to make a decision is, in itself, a choice to remain stagnant. He needs to know every detail, and even then, he struggles.

Take parking, for instance. I pull into a lot and choose a spot for my minivan without hesitation, often near a cart corral for the sake of convenience. If a corral is unavailable, I find a clear space, even if it means walking a bit further. My spouse, however, circles the lot multiple times, hesitating at every potential space. What is he looking for? Who knows? Meanwhile, I’m fuming, wishing we could just get on with our day.

The same goes for ordering food. I make my choice in a matter of minutes while he ponders the menu, asks the server a ton of questions, and then requests more time. He typically ends up ordering the same dish he always does. Why the delay?

The Basement Project

With the basement project, we face countless decisions—everything from the backsplash color to flooring options. The moment we decided to proceed, I dove into Pinterest, curated my ideas, and haven’t deviated since. My spouse, conversely, gathers brochures and consults salespeople, taking his time to weigh every option.

I can’t fathom how we’ll complete this project when we can’t even agree on the cost difference between two light switch plates. For me, decisions are straightforward: Is it affordable? Does it have good reviews? Do I like its appearance? Done. For my spouse, however, every choice becomes a drawn-out affair.

I acknowledge that sometimes it’s wise to take your time. I’ve made my fair share of poor purchases—like the eyebrow stencil I ordered based on a Facebook ad, which resulted in a comical look that my kids found hilarious.

Project Management Approaches

Another challenge is our differing approaches to project management. I’m a “my way or the highway” type, while my spouse is patient and accommodating. I have clear expectations; if someone smokes, they’re not entering my home. If they don’t respond promptly, I won’t hire them. Once the work starts, however, I step back and let them do their job without micromanaging.

My spouse, in contrast, is more lenient. If someone is late, he’s understanding. (I know life happens, but every day? No way.) I also have a relaxed attitude toward budgeting; I love a good bargain but won’t compromise on what I really want. My spouse scrutinizes every penny, almost to a fault. I appreciate his financial diligence, but often I wish he wouldn’t rain on my Pinterest parade.

We’re just a few weeks into this renovation, and we’ve had our fair share of spirited discussions. This undertaking is more than just making decisions and paying bills; it’s revealing marital dynamics, personal strengths, weaknesses, and sometimes, pettiness. I truly want this to be a joyful space for our family, but getting there is proving to be a much tougher task than I anticipated.

Additional Resources

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Conclusion

In summary, tackling a home project with a partner who has a different decision-making style can be an uphill battle. The process reveals much about each person’s strengths and weaknesses, and while it offers the promise of a beautiful space, the journey is fraught with challenges that can test any relationship.