I never envisioned myself as divorced. My goal was to avoid an unhappy marriage. Although I once enjoyed the excitement of dating, I never anticipated diving back into that world. However, I married young, and my past was riddled with trauma. My childhood was marked by abuse, which meant I only came to know a single aspect of myself during that tumultuous time. I often adapted to my surroundings, acting as a support for others rather than discovering who I truly was. By the time I reached my twenties, instead of pursuing self-discovery, I entered a marriage with someone who had a clear sense of identity.
Perhaps I was drawn to his stability, which I lacked. His strong self-awareness allowed me to avoid grappling with my own needs and desires for happiness. Looking back, I realize I was searching for someone—anyone—to provide me with love, instead of investing time in self-love and finding a partner who would complement that love.
As my husband and I evolved and learned more about ourselves, it became evident that we were incompatible. My personal growth made him uncomfortable, and our escalating arguments were unhealthy for our children. We tried couples therapy multiple times, but ultimately, we decided to part ways.
After the divorce, I wasn’t ready to date immediately; rushing into anything felt like a recipe for disaster. I wanted to take the time to explore self-love and confront my past traumas.
However, just weeks after moving out, a friend encouraged me to try Bumble. I found the thrill of meeting new people intriguing, and a little flirting was appealing after my long absence from the dating scene. Yet, when my ex-husband’s profile appeared, claiming to seek “someone exactly like me,” I realized I was not interested in superficial connections. What I craved was a genuine relationship with someone complex, who could appreciate my intricacies and depth.
I must admit, it took several awkward experiences on dating apps for me to recognize that online dating wasn’t for me. I cherish the process of genuinely connecting with people—understanding their flaws, dreams, and energies. I have no specific type, and I reject the notion of settling for a curated version of someone.
Through these experiences, I discovered my desire for a real and raw connection. I want a partner who will challenge me and share my values and aspirations. I long for someone who seeks the same freedom to be themselves as I do. I envision a meet-cute that would make Harry and Sally envious.
Once I took the time to define what I wanted in a partner, I began to meet individuals who aligned more closely with my vision. Each new connection brought me closer to my ideal relationship, as I became more aware of my desires and what I deserve.
Two years later, I remain unmarried and not in a committed relationship. Previously, I might have viewed this as a failure, but I have learned that true self-love and acceptance is a success in itself.
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Summary
After a decade of marriage, I learned more about myself in just two years of dating than I ever did before. My journey involved navigating the complexities of self-love, connection, and personal growth. I discovered what I truly want in a partner and embraced the importance of understanding myself before seeking a relationship.
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