One of the parenting trends that keeps appearing in my social media feeds is what’s known as “gentle parenting,” also referred to as “positive parenting.” If you’ve encountered this term, you’ve probably noticed a mix of opinions in the comments.
Some individuals express enthusiasm for what they perceive as gentle parenting, believing that children are not capable of manipulation and that all forms of emotional expression, even if disruptive, should be embraced. They often seem self-satisfied, convinced that their children are more emotionally aware than those raised without gentle parenting methods.
Conversely, others dismiss gentle parenting, viewing it as a way to let kids dictate everything, resulting in spoiled, whiny, and overly dependent children.
Both perspectives reveal a misunderstanding of what gentle parenting actually entails. Many confuse it with permissive parenting, a style that can hinder a child’s development. When parents fail to establish loving yet firm boundaries, children may exploit this lack of structure, leading to problematic or risky behavior.
However, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Those who mistakenly believe they are practicing gentle parenting but are actually indulging in permissiveness are missing the essence of gentle parenting, which ultimately does not benefit them or their children.
Gentle parenting focuses on setting fair and firm boundaries without resorting to harsh punishments. It ensures that a child’s needs are met, their emotions acknowledged, and it teaches them to consider others while expressing their feelings. While there are consequences for inappropriate behavior, these consequences are directly tied to the misbehavior.
In essence, gentle parenting aligns closely with authoritative parenting. As a parent with 15 years of experience, I suspect that the modern term “gentle parenting,” which gained traction around 2015, serves as a softer alternative to “authoritative,” which might sound too close to “authoritarian,” a style widely regarded as detrimental. Yet, when you compare descriptions of gentle or positive parenting with authoritative parenting, they are nearly identical.
Gentle parenting does not imply letting children behave poorly. Instead, it advocates for teaching expectations through non-violent means. It asserts parental authority while also respecting a child’s emotional needs according to their developmental stage.
For instance, if a toddler spills juice intentionally, a gentle approach would involve guiding them to clean up the mess, perhaps discussing why it happened. You might discover they want to explore pouring and dumping, leading to the idea of letting them play with water outside in a safe environment. This method demonstrates that while there are boundaries, their needs are also valued.
In contrast, if an older child spills juice intentionally, the response would likely differ. At that age, they should be able to clean up independently, and it’s crucial to communicate that while feeling frustrated is acceptable, expressing it destructively is not. The subsequent consequence would depend on identifying the root cause of their anger.
Gentle parenting, much like authoritative parenting, requires caregivers to be perceptive. What underlying need is causing a child’s undesirable behavior? What unspoken message might they be trying to convey? For example, a child upset about losing video game time may be struggling with a recent routine change, like starting school. There’s no single approach that fits all situations.
What gentle parenting is not, however, is a scenario where a parent cleans up messes while passively empathizing with a child’s outbursts, saying something like, “How about five more minutes of video game time?” This is permissive parenting and is inappropriate for any child. Yet, many seem to envision this as gentle parenting.
Gentle parenting emphasizes maintaining composure. I’m skeptical of anyone claiming they never raise their voice, since we are all human and everyone has tough days. I’ve yelled at my kids when overwhelmed. However, the goal of gentle parenting is to minimize yelling and instead focus on guiding children toward acceptable behavior rather than punishing them arbitrarily.
You might have thought you were an authoritative parent without realizing you were also embodying gentle parenting, or you may have thought you were gentle but were actually practicing permissive parenting. Either way, now you have clarity. Gentle parenting is synonymous with authoritative parenting. Regardless of the label, research consistently shows it’s the most effective method for raising emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted, and responsible children.
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In summary, gentle parenting is about nurturing a child’s emotional intelligence while maintaining necessary boundaries. It is a balanced approach focused on understanding and guiding behavior.
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