Tears streamed down her cheeks. Just moments before, she was calm as we talked about her day at school. Suddenly, she erupted with feelings of loneliness while spending time with some of the other girls in her class. When I inquired further, she admitted that all they talked about were TikTok videos—something she was completely out of the loop on.
My tween has her own cellphone, but we’ve decided against social media for her. Instead, she uses her phone for texting, setting alarms, and listening to music. She’s been incredibly responsible, always monitoring her usage and notifying us if she encounters anything inappropriate. The issue isn’t her; it’s the influence of social media and the peers who don’t have the same boundaries.
I’ll be the first to admit that we’re pretty strict as parents. As a writer, I’ve faced my fair share of online negativity, including nasty comments and hateful emails. I’ve developed a thick skin, but when it comes to my kids, I’m determined to shield them from any form of bullying or what we consider undesirable online content. TikTok is a platform full of amusing, educational, and sometimes controversial material. While I enjoy the app and even post occasionally, I’m not about to expose my child to an environment that feels more suited for adults.
Another reason we’ve chosen not to let our daughter use TikTok is that we prioritize family time—dinners, relaxation, physical activities, and (gasp) reading books. While tech can be enjoyable in moderation, my tween has expressed that many of her friends often eat alone, sometimes in their rooms, scrolling through their feeds. This can lead to boredom and a cycle of mindless consumption, which isn’t always healthy.
When the girls gather at school, they predominantly chat about their favorite TikTok videos—none of which my daughter has experienced. Since phones are prohibited during school hours, they’re unable to share the actual videos, leading to endless discussions about them instead. I can imagine how isolating that must feel, especially during middle school, a time when kids are particularly self-conscious and eager to fit in.
When I asked her about her feelings, she described a mix of annoyance and sadness. Naturally, she feels excluded. However, she also pointed out that constantly discussing one thing can be boring and suggested they branch out to other topics. Proudly, she even asked, “Why can’t they just read a book sometimes?”
My daughter might be somewhat unique among her peers. She enjoys reading, learning, and activities like baking, finding joy in trying out new recipes. It’s a delight to witness. Makeup and crushes don’t hold much interest for her, and she’s never once asked us for permission to join social media platforms.
I get it—tech is a major part of life in 2021. I spend my fair share of time scrolling and engaging online. However, as an adult with a fully developed brain, I’m less impressionable than children navigating puberty. I can tell the difference between real and fake, and between filtered and authentic.
Yes, my daughter should be building critical thinking skills, and she is. But she doesn’t need TikTok, Instagram, or Snapchat to do that. Like many tweens, she’s aware of her appearance, albeit less obsessed than some of her friends. She doesn’t strive for a perfect selfie or spend hours filtering her images to appear as someone she’s not. While I have no problem with a flattering angle or a cute outfit, the pressure to always look flawless is concerning.
It takes grown women years to accept their bodies, with all their imperfections, and I can’t shield my children from occasionally feeling insecure. However, I can protect them from the notion that they need to fit a certain mold to be accepted. I want my kids to focus on self-improvement rather than curating an image for others’ approval. Social media should be a tool for connection, not a platform for idolizing unrealistic standards.
Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to push my child into a world that I believe can be more harmful than beneficial. As adults, we learn to avoid toxic influences, and in my view, social media is often toxic for tweens.
I encourage my daughter to text but also to engage in meaningful face-to-face interactions and relationships. My ultimate goal is for her to thrive without tying her self-worth to likes and comments on a filtered photo.
For more insights on parenting and family dynamics, check out this related article, which offers valuable tips on navigating these challenges. You might also find helpful resources at Make a Mom and Resolve for family-building options.
Summary
In a world where social media dominates, my tween feels left out as her peers obsess over TikTok. While she enjoys her cellphone for texting and music, we’ve chosen to keep her away from social platforms to protect her from bullying and unhealthy comparisons. Despite feeling excluded, she expresses frustration at the narrow focus of her friends’ conversations and values more diverse topics. As parents, we aim to cultivate self-esteem in our children that isn’t reliant on social media validation.
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