By: Maria Elena
Updated: Sep. 14, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 14, 2021
When I saw my mother’s name flash on my phone, a sense of dread washed over me. I was five months pregnant with my first child and had only spoken to her a few times since the news broke—one of those calls was to awkwardly inform her of my pregnancy. Her repeated attempts to reach me signaled her anger, a feeling I knew too well. Sitting in my small apartment, which I thought would be a refuge from her verbal onslaught, I answered the third call. The reason for her fury eludes me now, but I’ll never forget her piercing words in Spanish: “I wish you weren’t my daughter.”
That moment felt like a knife to my heart. I broke down, overwhelmed with frustration at myself for being so deeply affected. I found myself apologizing to my unborn baby, vowing to be a different kind of parent. When my daughter was born, I couldn’t fathom being cruel to anyone, especially not to her. It became clear to me that there was a gaping wound in my soul, one that I traced back to the pain my mother had caused me. I committed to healing my Madre Wound, though I initially viewed it simply as emotional pain.
Over time, I discovered that many women could relate to this struggle. I joined online communities of daughters grappling with similar feelings of emotional neglect, yearning for maternal affection that was often absent. We felt lost, isolated, and desperate for healing.
I learned that my “Madre Wound” was unique; my mother was not like the typical narratives I encountered. While some behaviors aligned, I couldn’t overlook her identity as a Brown immigrant. The wounds we bore were shaped by complex histories involving colonialism, migration, and systemic racism, compounded by patriarchy and machismo—the pervasive force that often dictated our mothers’ behavior.
My Madre Wound manifested as a deeply ingrained belief that I was a burden whenever I sought help. It led to feelings of inadequacy and a constant comparison with others. This tension was palpable around older women, and the mere thought of authority figures could trigger panic. I often wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” The disconnect between my thoughts and feelings was stark. This disconnection from our bodies and emotions is a core aspect of the Madre Wound, leading us to view ourselves as machines rather than whole beings. It perpetuates rigid constructs of right and wrong and places decision-making power in the hands of patriarchal systems, often modeled unconsciously by our mothers and other women in our lives.
In patriarchal societies, women, especially those from Latin American backgrounds like my mother, face immense pressure to conform to subservient roles while simultaneously absorbing the traumas of assimilation. They often project their feelings of powerlessness onto their children, expecting us to adhere to authority, including that of God, and to overcorrect for their own losses. As daughters, we are born into the constraining norms of gender expectations, which can stifle our voices and sense of self.
Steps to Begin the Healing Process
If you identify as a Latina mother, consider reflecting on how your Madre Wound influences your life. Do you find yourself comparing your worth to others? Do you feel uncomfortable using your voice? If so, here are a few steps to begin the healing process:
- Acknowledge and Hold Dualities: Recognize that your mother was also a victim of her circumstances and that both of you have experienced harm. This realization can facilitate separating your identity from hers without overwhelming guilt.
- Refuse to be a Victim of the Madre Wound: Understand that you are part of a collective of women striving to break free from the cycle of the Madre Wound. Knowing you are not alone can empower you to transcend victimhood.
- Reparent Your Inner Child: Tend to your Inner Niñas with love, compassion, and appropriate boundaries. This connection may be challenging but will lead to liberation.
- Be Patient with Yourself: Healing is not instantaneous. Some days will feel more challenging than others, and that’s part of the journey.
- Cultivate a Relationship with Your Inner Madre: As you heal, you can develop a nurturing relationship with an Inner Madre who embodies strength and love, different from the wounded maternal figure of your past.
Navigating this journey will have its highs and lows. Don’t be disheartened when the familiar pain resurfaces; recognize it for what it is and seek community support. We can strive to break this cycle for our daughters and future generations by remaining aware of our wounds and working to overcome the constraints they impose.
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In summary, the Madre Wound is a deep emotional scar shaped by generational trauma, particularly among women from Latin American backgrounds. Understanding and addressing this wound can lead to profound healing, not only for ourselves but also for future generations. By acknowledging our pain and fostering supportive communities, we can begin to dismantle the narratives that bind us.
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