I never envisioned myself as divorced; I simply wanted to avoid an unhappy marriage. While I used to enjoy dating, the prospect of re-entering the dating world felt daunting.
Having married young and after experiencing considerable trauma, I grew up in a challenging environment. My childhood was marked by abuse, which shaped a version of myself that was more about conforming to my surroundings than embracing my true identity. Rather than exploring who I was during my twenties, I entered into a marriage with someone who had a strong sense of self. Perhaps I was drawn to his certainty, as it allowed me to avoid confronting my own identity and desires. I realize now that I was looking for someone else to love me instead of focusing on cultivating self-love.
As time went on, my husband and I began to discover how incompatible we were as we evolved. My journey of public healing often made him uncomfortable, leading to escalating arguments and poor communication, which negatively impacted our children. Despite attempts at therapy, we ultimately decided to divorce.
Initially, I wasn’t ready to dive back into dating. I was determined not to rush into a new relationship, recognizing that haste contributed to my previous marriage’s downfall. I needed time to heal and cultivate self-love.
However, a few weeks after moving out, a friend encouraged me to try Bumble. The excitement of meeting new people was tempting, and I craved a little flirtation. But when I matched with my ex-husband’s profile and read his “Looking for someone exactly like me” tagline, I realized I wanted more than a shallow interaction. I sought a partnership with depth and complexity, not just someone who fit a specific mold.
It took several awkward online dating experiences for me to accept that this method was not for me. I cherish the opportunity to connect with people—understanding their dreams, flaws, and personalities. I have no specific type and few criteria for potential partners. Yet, today’s online dating often presents a carefully curated version of individuals, and I’ve learned that I won’t settle for that.
Through these less-than-ideal experiences, I’ve discovered what I truly want: something authentic and vibrant. I desire a partner who will challenge me to grow, who shares my values, and who values their own individuality as much as I do. I want a meet-cute worthy of a romantic comedy classic.
As I took the time to understand and appreciate my needs and desires, I began to attract the right connections. Each new interaction brings me closer to my ideal relationship, and I am more successful in dating because I know myself and what I deserve.
Interestingly, two years have passed, and I am neither remarried nor in a committed relationship. In the past, I may have viewed this as failure; however, I’ve come to realize that true self-love and acceptance signify success.
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Summary:
In the two years since my divorce, I have learned more about myself through dating than I did in nearly a decade of marriage. My journey of self-discovery has allowed me to identify what I truly want in a relationship and embrace self-love. While I have not yet found a long-term partner, I now understand that my worth is not defined by my relationship status but by my ability to love and accept myself.
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