Is Your Teen or Tween Feeling a Bit "Fine"? Here Are 7 Ways to Stay Connected

Having both a teenager and a pre-teen at home often means our conversations sound like this:

Me: How was school?
Kid: Fine.
Me: How did your test go?
Kid: Fine.
Me: How was baseball practice?
Kid: Fine.
Me: Are you up for pizza for dinner?
Kid: Fine.

Everything is just “fine.” But beneath that surface, things might not be so simple. Details about their math test success (or struggles) come out only when they’re brushing their teeth at bedtime. News about crushes and classroom gossip often emerges while driving to the dentist or returning from a friend’s house. And you might learn after ordering pizza that they actually had a different preference all along.

Teens and tweens do still communicate; it just happens on their terms, at their pace. Meanwhile, their sighs, eye rolls, and endless “fine” responses can sometimes make us feel shut out. So, what can parents do in this situation? While it can be frustrating, sometimes the best approach is simply to let things unfold naturally. Here are seven strategies to help navigate the “fine” phase:

1. Avoid Matching Eye Rolls

I know, easier said than done. I often find myself reacting in passive-aggressive ways when my kids disregard their chores or brush me off. However, experts suggest that this can escalate tension and push your teen further away.

2. Acknowledge Their Feelings

One of my kids frequently experiences the “Monday blues.” Instead of dismissing his complaints, I’ve made an effort to validate his feelings, even when I’ve heard it before.

3. Engage in Activities Together

Sometimes, it’s better to do things alongside your child than to simply talk. Attend a baseball game, go window shopping, or grab a coffee together. They might open up in a relaxed environment, and regardless, you’ll enjoy quality time together.

4. Choose Your Battles Wisely

If nagging about chores causes your teen to retreat, it might be worth letting some things slide. Allowing natural consequences to occur can sometimes be more effective than constant reminders.

5. Practice “Botox Brow”

No, this isn’t about skincare! Coined by Michelle Icard, this technique involves maintaining a neutral expression when your tween or teen does something that bothers you. While it may be challenging, it can help diffuse tension.

6. Just Wait

Sometimes, it’s beneficial to let their “fine” linger without pressing for details. Stay present and available, but give them space. They may open up when they feel ready. If their lack of communication becomes concerning, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

7. Listen When They Speak

This advice is easier said than done, especially when their conversations come at inconvenient times. But showing that you’re available to listen is crucial. When they do share, try to listen without jumping in with advice and see where the dialogue leads.

Ultimately, the “fines” are a normal part of growing up. Your relationship with your teen or tween isn’t broken just because they’re not as chatty or retreat to their rooms after dinner. They’re navigating changes—and so is your relationship with them.

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Summary:

Navigating conversations with teens and tweens can often lead to frustrating one-word answers like “fine.” By employing strategies such as validating their feelings, engaging in activities together, and allowing them space to open up, parents can foster a stronger connection during this challenging stage. The key is to be patient and present, recognizing that the “fines” are a normal part of growing up and that your relationship can adapt to these changes.