My household is predominantly female—there’s me, my daughter, and even our dog is female. My son, however, stands as the sole male presence. This dynamic has defined our family ever since I became a solo mom following the tragic loss of my husband, who passed away after a swift and ruthless battle with brain cancer.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I grew up in a similar environment. My mother, my sister, and I were surrounded by femininity, with my brother being the only boy. Like me, my mother was a single parent, although her situation stemmed from abandonment rather than death. After my father left, it was common for well-meaning adults to pull my brother aside and tell him he needed to be the “man of the house” when he was just six years old.
I remember those moments vividly—the way my brother would lower his chin and gaze at the ground, burdened by expectations that were far too heavy for a child. Even as a kid, I sensed that placing such a responsibility on him was unfair. Yet, at that time, I lacked the courage to voice my concerns.
Now, these same phrases are directed at my son—thankfully, with less frequency than what my brother experienced. Typically, older men approach him and assert, “You need to be the man of the house now.” This time, I know I must speak out.
Imposing the label of “man of the house” on a child whose father is no longer present—regardless of the circumstances—is deeply problematic. What does it even mean to be the “man” of the house? This phrase is rooted in outdated gender roles and heteronormative expectations. Why must a household have a male figure, and what unique contributions does a man offer that a woman cannot? For nearly four years, I have managed our home by myself, and while having another adult to share the burden would be beneficial, it is certainly not a requirement.
Moreover, telling my son he must take on this role undermines my abilities as a parent. While I recognize that such comments may come from a place of good intentions—perhaps as a way to encourage my son to help out more—the implication is that the speaker believes I am not sufficient on my own. Everyone needs support, and it’s true that it takes a village to raise children. However, encouraging my son to fill in the gaps only exacerbates my insecurities as a single mother.
What’s even more painful is the weight of that expectation. I witnessed my brother struggle under similar pressures, feeling inadequate because he was asked to fill a role that was never his to fill. I refuse to allow my son to bear that same burden.
My foremost duty as a parent is to safeguard my children, a responsibility that outweighs all others. That’s why my reaction to the notion that my son should be the man of the house is often immediate and firm; I strive to erase that idea from his mind. He does not need to shoulder any additional responsibilities beyond what he had in a two-parent household.
What my son truly requires is to be a child—someone who feels loved and secure, not someone who has to step into oversized shoes because life has taken an unexpected turn.
It’s 2021, and it’s high time we stop telling the sons of single mothers that they need to be the “man of the house.” In fact, it’s time we retire that phrase altogether.
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Summary:
The article discusses the harmful notion that sons of single mothers should become “the man of the house” after the loss of a father figure. The author reflects on her own experiences as a solo mom and recalls how similar pressures affected her brother in their childhood. She emphasizes the importance of allowing children to remain children, free from undue responsibilities, and advocates for a shift away from outdated gender roles in parenting.
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