Updated: Sep. 14, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 14, 2021
When I saw my mother’s name pop up on my phone, a familiar tension gripped me. I was five months pregnant with my first child, having only spoken to my mom a few times since discovering the news—one of those conversations was when I reluctantly told her about my pregnancy, my body instinctively bracing for her reaction. Her relentless calls signaled her fury, and I felt it deep within. Seated in my small apartment, where I thought I could finally escape her verbal onslaught, she persisted, calling again and again until I finally answered, my heart racing. I can’t recall the exact reason for her anger, but I vividly remember her words in Spanish that pierced my heart: “I wish you weren’t my daughter.”
That moment felt like a knife to my soul. I found myself in tears, mostly frustrated with myself for being so deeply affected. I whispered apologies to my unborn child, promising to be a better mother. When my daughter was born, the thought of ever being cruel to her was unimaginable. It became evident that I carried a significant wound from my past, traceable back to the hurt inflicted by my mother. I resolved to heal what I now recognize as my Madre Wound, though at the time, I simply labeled it pain.
As time passed, I learned that many women share this same wound. I discovered online groups of daughters grappling with their experiences, each of us longing for maternal love that was often absent. We felt isolated, insecure, and in search of closure. I realized that my experiences didn’t entirely align with the typical narratives surrounding the Mother Wound. While some behaviors matched, I couldn’t overlook that my mother was a Brown immigrant whose trauma stemmed from a different history, one intertwined with colonialism, migration, racism, and the pervasive effects of white supremacy. These complexities, alongside patriarchy and its manifestation, machismo, shaped our relationship.
My Madre Wound manifested in feelings of shame when I sought help, a belief that I was a burden. It led to comparisons with others, feelings of inadequacy, and anxiety around authority figures. This disconnect from my body and emotions is a core aspect of the Madre Wound, which entrenches rigid notions of right and wrong, prioritizing patriarchal dictates. These harmful patterns are often unconsciously modeled by our mothers and the women around us.
Patriarchy thrives on the oppressive beliefs that women internalize about themselves. For women from Latin American backgrounds like my own, the struggle is intensified by the necessity to assimilate while also sustaining a culture that imposes subservience to machista men. There’s an expectation for these mothers to prepare their children to conform to authority, God, and societal norms, often causing them to overcompensate for their own losses. As daughters, we find ourselves bound by societal gender norms from an early age, feeling unsafe to express our true selves.
Steps Toward Healing Your Madre Wound
If you are a Latina mother, it’s important to reflect on how your Madre Wound manifests in your life. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? Do you feel discomfort when using your voice? If so, consider these initial steps toward healing your own Madre Wound:
- Acknowledge and Embrace Dualities: Recognizing that our mothers were victims of their circumstances and that we, too, have been harmed is crucial for untangling our identities from theirs without guilt.
- Avoid Victimhood from the Madre Wound: Understand that you are not alone. There is a community of women striving to move beyond this wound, which can help alleviate feelings of victimization.
- Reparent Your Inner Child: Nurture your inner niña with compassion, care, discipline, and understanding. Though this process may be challenging, it is ultimately liberating.
- Practice Patience: Don’t expect to be unaffected by your mother’s actions immediately. Healing is a journey with ups and downs.
- Cultivate a Relationship with Your Inner Madre: The beauty of healing lies in forming a relationship with an Inner Madre who embodies strength and nurturing, distinct from the wounded figure of your past.
This healing journey will have its peaks and valleys, but don’t be disheartened when old wounds resurface. Recognize the pain for what it is and seek out a supportive community. By doing so, we can strive to break the cycle and prevent passing these wounds onto our daughters. This journey, though challenging, holds the promise of liberation for ourselves and future generations.
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Summary:
The Madre Wound is a profound emotional scar rooted in the complex relationships between mothers and daughters, particularly within marginalized communities. Acknowledging the duality of being both victim and survivor is essential for healing. By reparenting our inner child, fostering patience, and developing a healthy relationship with our Inner Madre, we can begin to break free from the constraints of this wound. Through community support and self-reflection, we can liberate ourselves and future generations from these inherited pains.
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