How to Say No and Establish Boundaries When You’ve Been a People-Pleaser

In theory, setting boundaries seems straightforward: you identify what’s best for you and draw the line. Your cousin became obsessed with wild conspiracy theories? Easy: mute them on social media and skip inviting them to family gatherings. A so-called friend has shown their true colors as a self-centered manipulator? Cut them off — your well-being matters more. Your manager expects you to stay late for an unpaid project? Politely decline and leave when your shift ends.

If only it were that simple in practice.

In reality, setting boundaries—especially with those you interact with regularly—can be intricate and emotionally taxing. If you’re anything like me, the mere thought of saying “no” can invoke a knot of anxiety in your stomach that feels overwhelming.

We’re all aware that establishing boundaries is crucial. We know that allowing ourselves to be taken for granted can lead to anxiety and burnout. We’ve all heard the metaphor about putting on our own oxygen masks before assisting others. That’s the rational side of boundary-setting—the undeniable truth.

However, the challenge lies in cultivating the self-awareness and self-respect to push past the guilt that often accompanies boundary-setting. “We live in a society that doesn’t celebrate prioritizing oneself. It’s not valued,” says relationship expert and author, Laura Greene, in a recent interview with The Guardian. “We frequently find ourselves focused on others’ thoughts and feelings instead of our own, worrying about their reactions or the potential impact on our relationships.”

So how can you overcome that lingering sense of selfishness when establishing boundaries?

Listen to Your Instincts

When your life feels unsettled due to a lack of healthy boundaries, it’s crucial to pay attention. Take the example of elite gymnast Amber Collins, who made headlines for stepping back from competitions during a high-pressure event. Despite facing criticism from those who couldn’t grasp her struggle, she understood her body and mind better than anyone. Most of us may not face such intense scrutiny, but we all have the ability to tune in to our needs and recognize when something isn’t right.

Practice Out Loud

Just as you might rehearse positive affirmations in front of the mirror, you can also practice asserting your boundaries. Use statements like, “No is a complete sentence,” or “I can’t accommodate everyone all the time.” Go further by simulating difficult conversations. If a family member tends to pressure you during gatherings, rehearse your responses. Speaking your truth aloud can bolster your confidence when it’s time to enforce those boundaries in real life (thanks to my therapist for this tip).

Avoid Over-Explaining

Remember, “No” is a complete answer. You don’t need to provide excessive details to justify your decision. Your boss doesn’t need to know about your child’s weekend activities to understand why you can’t work extra hours. Similarly, your mother-in-law doesn’t require proof of your child’s dietary restrictions. Simply state your boundaries without feeling the need to justify them.

Revisit Boundaries as Needed

As time goes on, you may find that you’re more tolerant of certain behaviors, or that someone has improved enough to warrant a second chance. Easing a boundary doesn’t signify weakness, just as establishing one didn’t make you unkind. Trust your instincts and allow yourself to reassess boundaries as circumstances evolve. You might also feel the need to tighten a boundary further to safeguard your mental health—this is perfectly valid.

Build a Support Network

Setting boundaries can be a daunting emotional task. If this resonates with you, gather supportive friends who can uplift you and remind you that you deserve tranquility. Consider consulting a therapist for additional strategies to maintain your boundaries. Books such as Greene’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace offer practical guidance. If you’re accustomed to prioritizing others over yourself, remember that you deserve freedom from toxicity and chaos. The relief that comes from establishing clear boundaries is unparalleled.

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In summary, saying no and setting boundaries is a vital skill that can greatly enhance your life. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, practicing and listening to your instincts can help you establish healthier relationships and a more peaceful mindset.