I’ve been off my medication for almost a week, and my mental well-being is starting to decline. It’s not all negative, though. I find myself in a manic phase, which means I’m sleeping less and working more. My productivity has soared; I’m tackling a mountain of emails daily and writing more than a dozen articles each week. I’ve lost some weight and am exercising regularly—almost obsessively. The only thing racing faster than my legs is my mind. I feel euphoric, almost as happy as a pig in mud. However, I’m also hearing voices again. Yes, I’m experiencing auditory hallucinations.
When most people picture hallucinations, they envision visual ones—like the boy from ‘The Sixth Sense’ who sees ghosts or Uncle Mike, who takes ‘shrooms at festivals. But I don’t see things. There are no lights, shapes, colors, or figures. Instead, I hear voices—murmurs of the future, present, and past. While this might sound concerning, it usually isn’t, at least not in the moment. It feels as if I’m eavesdropping on conversations nearby, like I’m catching snippets of chat between two friends at the grocery store.
My hallucinations resemble a call without earbuds or a device. I’ve “talked” with my therapist and psychiatrist in my room and in my head. It feels like there’s a TV or a radio playing in the background, only I can hear it. Most of these conversations blend into my daily life, feeling as real as my own thoughts.
Some voices are passive and mildly annoying, while others offer insights, suggesting how I should behave or what I should feel. Then there are the cold, critical voices that mock and belittle me. They’re a constant presence, whether they act as companions or adversaries.
I know this sounds irrational. It is. I have a valid diagnosis: bipolar disorder with mixed moods. I also deal with PTSD and anxiety, which doesn’t cause hallucinations but leads me to hold frantic conversations with myself. When combined with auditory hallucinations, it can be overwhelming. It’s like being at a concert and trying to focus on a single note amidst a cacophony of sounds.
“Psychosis is a symptom of a condition, not a disorder. People experiencing psychosis may have hallucinations or delusions,” a Healthline article explains. “Sometimes, a person with bipolar disorder may experience symptoms of psychosis, often during severe episodes of mania or depression.” This is true for me; the voices come out during manic phases and especially when I’m off my meds.
Fortunately, my medication helps manage these voices. When I take my prescribed pills, I can quiet the noise in my head. However, stress can bring the voices back, and during bouts of depression, I might neglect my medication. When I feel too low to care, I miss doses, choosing sleep over taking a stand. Mania is a tricky foe; it convinces me I don’t need the pills, whispering that these “voices” are friends. Thus, I find myself in a constant battle. I cycle through moods and engage in conversations with inanimate objects, like my bedding and pillows.
“Psychosis in bipolar disorder can manifest during manic or depressive episodes, but it’s more common during mania,” the Healthline article continues. “Many believe psychosis is a sudden break from reality, but it usually develops gradually.” Factors like sleep deprivation and fluctuating hormones can trigger it—females are more prone to experience bipolar psychosis than males.
Despite it all, I’m fighting. Even though I’m currently off my medication, I’m continuing to strive for stability. The voices may sometimes be antagonistic, but at other times, they feel like my oldest friends.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s personal experience with bipolar hallucinations, detailing the challenges and realities of living with the condition. The author describes how manic episodes lead to auditory hallucinations, the nature of these voices, and their impact on daily life. Despite the difficulties, there is a determination to fight and maintain stability.
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