Last night, my four-year-old son posed a question that I had anticipated but never truly prepared for: “Mommy, how did Uncle Jake die?” The moment hit me like a ton of bricks.
I found myself staring at my sweet, curious boy with his large hazel eyes, patiently awaiting my response. When I hesitated, he repeated the question. In that moment, all I could muster was, “Sometimes these things happen. Would you like some ketchup with your dinner?” How disappointing, I thought to myself. I had years to ready myself for this question, and yet here I was, tongue-tied.
Before becoming a parent, I envisioned how conversations with my child about my brother would unfold. I pictured my son being older and the discussions taking a heartfelt, sitcom-like turn, reminiscent of shows like Full House. But here I was, a flustered mother with a four-year-old, completely unprepared.
Discussing suicide is challenging even among adults, much less when trying to explain it to young children. After putting my son to bed, I turned to Google, searching for “how to talk about suicide with a four-year-old,” hoping to find some guidance. One grief counselor suggested being honest, saying something like, “He was sad and didn’t know how to end the pain any other way.” I mulled this over.
When I was five, my own uncle died by suicide, and I was told it was an accident. I quickly sensed that the truth was more complex than what I had been told. It wasn’t until I turned 14, after persistently asking for more details, that my mom finally revealed the truth. I vowed to be open with my children about my brother’s death, wanting to avoid any secrets or shame. Yet, faced with my son’s question, I understood why my mother hadn’t shared more earlier.
Childhood innocence is fleeting. The magic, wonder, and simple concerns—like wanting an extra episode of a favorite show or an additional dessert—don’t last forever. In just a year, my eldest will be heading off to kindergarten, and the world will gradually strip away his innocence. Who am I to explain to him that some people feel so overwhelmed with sadness that they wish to no longer live? How can I expect his young mind to comprehend such a heavy concept when my own struggles to grasp it at 33?
My brother, Jake, took his life 7.5 years ago, three years before my son was born. They say that when a sibling passes, the surviving sibling mourns a significant part of their past, present, and future. One of the hardest realities of his death is that my children will never meet him, and he will never know them. I often wonder if they would even be curious enough to hear stories about him.
However, my son has shown a keen interest in Uncle Jake, often imagining him in heaven playing with dinosaurs and our dog, Max. He asks about what Jake enjoyed, from video games to favorite foods. I could beat myself up for not being ready for this question, but as my husband gently reminded me, it’s tough to have a well-thought-out response for something that can strike unexpectedly.
What I’ve learned is there isn’t a singular right way to address this topic, but many well-meaning responses could potentially cause harm. I can’t shield my kids from everything, but I can try to protect them from unnecessary pain and confusion for as long as possible. As of now, I’m still searching for the right words.
For the time being, I choose to share the joyful memories of Jake: how he loved playing Mario and defeating Bowser, his fascination with trains, and how Nana made him a Thomas the Tank Engine costume for Halloween. I want my children to understand who their Uncle Jake was as a person rather than just how he passed away. He deserves to be remembered for more than that. So, when my son asks again, I’ll look into his innocent eyes and admit that I don’t have an answer yet; sometimes, that’s the truth we must embrace.
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In summary, navigating discussions about death and loss with young children is a complex and emotionally charged task. While it’s important to be open and honest, it’s equally crucial to tailor the conversation to their developmental stage, focusing on the positive memories of loved ones who have passed.
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