Next month, I’ll be celebrating fifteen years of marriage, and I was with my partner for three years prior to that. When you share your life with someone for so long, you truly get to understand each other. I can’t imagine who I would be without him, and I hope I never have to find out. He is a wonderful, dependable man who loves me as I deserve to be loved. I strive to be a great partner to him because I know what he values. We make a fabulous team. Because we want to nurture our love into old age, we’ve mastered the art of genuine forgiveness, even when it’s incredibly tough.
Of course, we weren’t always good at it. We tied the knot at 21, navigating a complex relationship in our early twenties, figuring out our identities amidst a plethora of growing pains. Yet somehow, through that journey, we stumbled upon some really healthy strategies for communication.
Recently, I came across an intriguing article on forgiveness. In his column, “How to Build a Life,” writer and professor Arthur Brooks discusses various types of forgiveness and how they impact relationships. I found myself reflecting on times I successfully navigated forgiveness, feeling a sense of pride in my ability to maintain my relationships and inner peace.
But then he pointed out something that made me cringe. He explained the two forms of toxic fake forgiveness, and I realized I had fallen into those traps myself on numerous occasions. Spoiler alert: nothing good came out of it.
You can read Arthur Brooks’ column for a deeper understanding of healthy forgiveness. The quick summary is that genuine forgiveness can involve having a candid conversation, expressing affection (make-up intimacy anyone?), openly articulating real forgiveness, or minimizing the issue, where you simply decide it’s not worth the conflict and truly let it go.
Understanding Toxic Fake Forgiveness
Now, let’s discuss toxic fake forgiveness. Recognizing it is half the battle.
Before diving in, I must clarify: Everything I’m discussing pertains to meaningful relationships that you want to preserve. These are connections where both parties generally display love, respect, and kindness but have hit a rough patch. Opting for genuine forgiveness over toxic fake forgiveness is vital for maintaining valuable relationships.
Not all relationships warrant the effort it takes to forgive. Growing up, I was taught that forgiveness must equal reconciliation, leading many to be pressured into overlooking significant wrongdoings just to keep the relationship intact. Respectfully, that’s not okay. If someone mistreats you, remain angry and use that passion to protect yourself. Abusers don’t deserve another chance.
Once you’re safe, finding a way to release that anger is important so it doesn’t consume you, but remember, your abuser deserves no forgiveness.
Types of Toxic Fake Forgiveness
Now, back to the toxic fake forgiveness. Let’s break down two types:
First, there’s conditional forgiveness. Brooks defines this as forgiveness “where vindication is postponed and stipulations are imposed.” This feels like the toxic counterpart to healthy dialogue. Instead of having an open discussion, you might say, “I’ll forgive you once you fulfill this list of demands I’ve created out of my anger and hurt, and not a moment sooner.”
While we don’t say this outright because it sounds childish and absurd, placing a long list of conditions on our forgiveness is exactly what we’re doing. I’ve done it myself, and recalling those moments is embarrassing. All this accomplishes is keeping you in a state of hurt while trying to maintain a connection with the person. But how can you truly move past a transgression while harboring resentment? Real forgiveness involves some risk; you can’t know for sure that the person won’t hurt you again, and your demands won’t change that. Engaging in healthy communication to achieve true forgiveness is much more challenging, but it’s scientifically proven to be better for your relationships.
The second type of fake forgiveness is pseudo-forgiveness. While conditional forgiveness is the unyielding twin of sincere dialogue, pseudo-forgiveness is the deceptive twin of minimization. Instead of genuinely valuing your partner over the disagreement and choosing to let it go for the sake of love, you simply ignore it and harbor resentment silently.
Do I need to explain why this is a terrible idea? Quietly walking around upset while pretending everything is fine is a disaster waiting to happen. If you know you’re too hurt to let something go, minimization isn’t the right path for you. Choose another route. Pretending everything is okay will only lead to an explosion — you deserve better, and so does your partner.
Research supports the notion that fake forgiveness is detrimental to relationships. I’d argue that being upfront about your refusal to forgive is less harmful than practicing conditional forgiveness. If you aren’t ready to forgive someone, just say so! That honesty is crucial. Remember, discussion is a vital part of healthy forgiveness.
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In summary, recognizing and addressing the forms of toxic fake forgiveness can significantly impact the health and longevity of relationships. Genuine forgiveness, although challenging, is essential for creating lasting connections built on respect and understanding.
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