My husband recently took our children to the pediatrician for COVID testing after one of them had been exposed to a positive case at school. After a few questions directed at the kids, the doctor suddenly looked up and assumed my husband was their foster dad.
This isn’t the first time we’ve encountered this misconception, nor will it be the last. We have been a multiracial adoptive family for over a decade. My husband and I are white, while our children are Black. It doesn’t matter if we’re taking one child or all of them to appointments; medical professionals often jump to the conclusion that we must be their foster parents.
Let me be clear: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with foster parenting. In fact, it’s a crucial service, with around 400,000 children in the U.S. currently in foster care, and 120,000 waiting for adoption. The work foster parents do is incredibly important, as many children enter care due to neglect or abuse, often facing trauma from being separated from their biological families. Each year, around 20,000 kids age out of the system without a permanent family to call their own. The statistics are shocking.
However, just because the parents and children come from different racial backgrounds doesn’t imply that the children are in foster care. Most kids in foster care are actually white, not children of color. To look at two white parents and assume they are fostering based solely on race is rooted in stereotypes.
I have vivid memories of taking my oldest child to the hospital for her scheduled tonsil surgery. During registration, the staff member asked for our insurance card, which included the names of all family members. Despite sharing the same last name and insurance policy, she frowned and demanded to see “papers” proving my daughter belonged to me. I was taken aback and tried to maintain my composure while assuring her, “She’s calling me Mommy, we share a last name, and we have the same insurance. She is my daughter.”
Nearby, a white couple was registering their child, and not once did the staff ask them for proof of relationship. I found myself infuriated, trying to comfort my anxious daughter while dealing with a self-appointed investigator.
Later, I wondered why an adult would bring a random child for surgery. It’s not like lying about a child’s age for a free meal. The absurdity of the situation was frustrating.
We are open about being a multiracial adoptive family, and I’ve written extensively on issues of race and adoption, but being questioned about our family in front of our kids is not only embarrassing but also perpetuates othering based on race.
When we were looking for a new pediatrician a few years ago, the intake nurse asked who I was. When I replied, “Their mother,” she hesitated, asking if I was their foster mother instead. Again, I pointed out our shared last name, our insurance card, and that the kids call me Mom—not “foster mom” or “adoptive mom.” My identity is “Mom,” and my kids are my “kids,” not my “adopted kids.”
It is the professionals who make these situations awkward, particularly when families are already under stress at medical appointments. Nobody goes in for a routine check-up when things are fine. It’s unnecessary to dig deeper into our family structure. A quick search could clarify adoption, foster care, and multiracial families.
I understand that medical professionals need to verify the identity of the adult accompanying a child. However, when they make assumptions or interrogate us, it shifts the focus from the reason for our visit to a crash course in adoption and foster care. Many families face similar scrutiny, including same-sex couples or stepfamilies.
Medical professionals can ask questions in a more respectful and tactful manner. For example, they could ask the child, “Who brought you today?” This not only lets the child engage but also encourages them to advocate for themselves. Alternatively, they could simply ask the adult, “What is your relationship to the child?” This respectful inquiry should be directed at every adult, not just those in interracial families.
The truth is, you can’t determine foster families based on race. Foster families come in all shapes and sizes, and many are well-informed about the system. They don’t try to hide their status.
As a multiracial adoptive family, we encounter many odd questions from strangers. I’ve been asked if I’m running a daycare, if I’m their nanny, or where their “real parents” are. I always respond, “Nope! I’m their mom.” I don’t delve into our adoption details or the fact that my kids have multiple parents; that’s personal information that doesn’t need to be shared.
If medical professionals and others could recognize that families don’t have to match racially, it would help reduce the othering experience for children. If they need to identify the adult accompanying a child, they can do so tactfully and respectfully.
In the case of my husband, he quickly corrected the doctor, saying, “I’m their dad.” When the kids returned home, they found the experience amusing yet strange. We joked they should have told the doctor he was their “white dad.” At home, we feel like any regular family, but outside, some people struggle to accept that families can be multiracial and still be just as “real” as any other family.
For more insights into family dynamics and parenting challenges, check out this blog post on our other site. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination, Make a Mom provides great resources in this field. For a deeper understanding of donor insemination, American Pregnancy is an excellent source of information.
Summary:
In this article, Emma Thompson shares her experience with a doctor who mistakenly identified her husband as their children’s foster parent based on race. As a multiracial adoptive family, they frequently encounter assumptions that their children are in foster care, which highlights the need for greater awareness and understanding among medical professionals. Emma emphasizes the importance of respectful inquiries regarding family dynamics and urges for a broader acceptance of diverse family structures.
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