As I embarked on my journey into motherhood, I encountered a plethora of advice from medical professionals, lactation consultants, sleep specialists, and well-meaning friends. Here are some of the key takeaways I received during my pregnancy and after giving birth:
- Exclusively breastfeeding is recommended for the first 6 months.
- Limit newborn naps to a maximum of 3–4 hours.
- Prioritize self-care.
- Aim for at least 5.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep each day.
- Never leave your baby unattended.
- Avoid letting your baby sleep on you.
- Put your baby down to sleep in their crib when they are sleepy but awake.
- Always burp your baby after feeding and keep them upright for 15 minutes.
- Always place your baby to sleep on their back.
- Don’t introduce a pacifier or bottle for the first 3 weeks to establish milk supply and avoid confusion.
- Avoid pumping for the first 3 weeks to prevent engorgement.
- Don’t forget to do daily tummy time.
- Make time for yourself and your partner.
- Sleep when the baby sleeps.
- Maintain a healthy diet.
- Seek support.
And then, it was time for my 6-7 week check-up. The lack of maternal mental health support and postpartum care is glaring. During my hospital stay, I had a brief chat with a social worker who quickly ran through resources and concluded by advising me to remind my husband to be supportive—without wanting to speak to him directly.
What struck me is that postpartum care primarily focuses on the newborn, which, while important for the baby’s health, often leaves mothers feeling isolated and confused. There I was, late at night, searching online about my own perineal pain, unsure of what was “normal.” As a mental health professional, I should have known where to find help, but in reality, I was overwhelmed and uncertain.
Unknowingly, I had imposed perfectionistic expectations upon myself from the very start. I felt pressured to embody the ideal of a “great” mother, which stifled my ability to trust my instincts and discern what would work for my family. If the advice above seems contradictory or unrealistic, that’s because it often is.
Perfectionism crept into my early days of motherhood without my awareness. I expected to be adept at something I had never done before and criticized myself for not recognizing my baby’s cries or knowing how to soothe him. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and questioned my ability to fulfill the expectations placed on mothers. I have to remind myself repeatedly that “perfect mothers don’t exist.”
Motherhood confronted me with deep-seated fears—fear of being unworthy if I stopped achieving or contributing. I internalized society’s narrative that a good mother should not complain about her role. I overlooked the hard work I was putting into caring for my baby, from breastfeeding through pain to managing laundry with one hand.
Society often lacks grace for mothers who falter or have difficult days. The work of motherhood is undervalued and largely unrecognized. Consider our inadequate national maternity leave policy as just one example.
I confess that I struggled to show myself the grace I knew other mothers deserved. I judged myself harshly, wishing for productivity and longing for my life before baby. I felt guilty for not enjoying every moment of motherhood, for wanting things beyond this new role, and for missing parts of my former life. The COVID-19 pandemic added another layer of anxiety, as I worried about visitors and family members wearing masks around my baby, exacerbating my feelings of isolation.
Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s natural to feel a range of emotions. I am human, with my own needs and desires. I was a person before becoming a mother, and transitioning into this role is a significant adjustment. I have experienced what baby blues truly are—did you know that 80% of new moms face them?
In the midst of motherhood, I forgot to practice self-compassion, a principle I emphasize with my clients. The overwhelming nature of caring for a newborn makes sense, especially when compounded by physical pain and sleep deprivation. I’m grateful for my therapist, who helped validate my feelings and gave me a safe space to process everything. It turns out that I am not broken for feeling this way!
I also want to acknowledge my own mother for her unwavering support, helping me navigate this new chapter while being an incredible grandmother.
Thus far, I have felt a significant loss of freedom and sacrifice—something I now understand more clearly. Motherhood demands so much of us before it offers anything in return, and adjusting to this reality can be challenging for those who have previously enjoyed independence and structure in their lives.
I recently wrote in my journal, “I was a whole person before becoming a mother. Where does that person go?” I now know there is space for all of me. Motherhood does not mean saying goodbye to my other identities; it’s more of a “see you later.” I may not be as quick or efficient, but perhaps that’s the lesson. I’ve been so conditioned by a culture that values productivity that I’ve forgotten how to simply be.
My new strategy for the remainder of my maternity leave is to focus on being present with my baby rather than multitasking or yearning for my old life. I give myself permission to feel longing and even discontent, reminding myself that I can love my baby while also disliking certain aspects of motherhood.
I’m also searching for a strong postpartum support group. The fact that I can write this while my baby sleeps soundly is a testament to progress. Though I wish I had more guidance on navigating the newborn phase, I am thankful to have emerged from the darkness I once felt trapped in. This serves as a reminder that change is possible, and perspectives can evolve—minute by minute, day by day.
Ultimately, I hope that sharing my truth helps other moms feel less isolated in their experiences. There is no single path through this journey, but we can learn from our past and move forward, allowing life to unfold as we do our best each day.
As our babies grow, so do we. If you are embracing the journey of motherhood, know that you are already enough. After all, mothers are human too.
For additional insights and support during your own parenting journey, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination here. If you’re interested in more information about fertility options, visit Make a Mom. You can also explore more about navigating motherhood in this blog post.
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Summary:
The transition into motherhood can be overwhelming, filled with contradictory advice and societal expectations that often lead to feelings of inadequacy and isolation. Even as a mental health professional, I struggled with perfectionism and the immense pressure to be a “great” mother. Through self-reflection and support, I learned that it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions and that being present with my baby is more important than trying to adhere to unrealistic standards. I hope that sharing my experience helps others feel less alone in their journey.
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