Parenting Insights
By Jessica Thompson
It was an ordinary day when my husband took our children to the pediatrician for COVID testing after one of them had been near a classmate who tested positive. After asking the kids a few questions, the doctor looked at my husband and assumed he was their foster father. This incident isn’t isolated; it’s a recurring theme we’ve faced since becoming a multiracial, adoptive family over a decade ago. While my husband and I are white, our children are Black, and medical professionals frequently jump to conclusions about our family structure.
Let me clarify: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with foster parenting. In fact, we desperately need more foster families, especially since there are around 400,000 children in foster care in the U.S. However, the assumption that our children are in foster care simply because of our differing races is both misguided and frustrating. In reality, the majority of children in foster care are white, making these stereotypes even more unfounded.
Years ago, when I took my eldest child to the hospital for a scheduled tonsillectomy, the registration staff asked for our insurance information. Our names matched on the card, yet the staff member frowned and asked for my daughter’s “papers” to prove I was her mother. My daughter, just five at the time, grew increasingly anxious as I tried to explain our relationship. It was ridiculous to even consider that I would take a random child in for surgery.
Meanwhile, a white couple with a white child registered without any scrutiny. It was disheartening to see such an obvious double standard. I couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would think an adult would take a child for surgery without being related.
Despite being open about our identity as an adoptive, multiracial family, it’s disconcerting how often professionals question our legitimacy in front of our kids. During a recent visit to a new pediatrician, the intake nurse asked me, “And you are…?” When I said, “Their mother,” she insisted on labeling me as their foster mom, despite the same last name and shared insurance. My identity is simply “Mom,” and my kids are my children—not “adopted” or “foster” kids.
These assumptions shift the focus from the medical issues at hand to unnecessary discussions about adoption and foster care. Families come in all shapes and colors, and it’s essential that medical professionals treat every family with respect and understanding.
A more tactful approach would be for professionals to ask, “Who brought you to the appointment today?” This not only fosters a connection with the child but also allows them to speak for themselves. Alternatively, asking the adult, “What is your relationship to the child?” would eliminate presumptions based on race. This question should be standard for all families, not just multiracial ones.
In our latest visit, my husband corrected the doctor, saying, “I’m their dad.” When we got home, the kids found the mix-up amusing. We joked about how he could have said he was their “white dad.” In our household, we’re simply a family, but it seems that outside perceptions can be hard to shake.
For further reading on related topics, check out this blog post and visit Make a Mom for expert guidance on home insemination. Additionally, Johns Hopkins Medicine offers excellent resources regarding fertility and insemination.
Summary
This article reflects on the challenges faced by multiracial adoptive families, particularly around the misconceptions from medical professionals regarding family identity. It highlights the importance of respectful communication and the need to avoid assumptions based solely on race.
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