At the start of the school year, my son was assigned a math homework task. He delayed beginning the assignment until he ran out of excuses. When he finally sat down to tackle it, frustration took over when he encountered the last problem. Despite having solved all the previous questions successfully, he lost his temper and erased his work so vigorously that he tore his paper.
Later that week, while enjoying a game of basketball, I asked if he wanted to try out for the basketball team. He had been practicing every day after school, and all his friends were auditioning. He immediately declined, fearing he might not make the team or excel if he did.
These two situations exemplify a recurring theme: my son is a perfectionist. If he can’t achieve something flawlessly, he often chooses not to attempt it at all. While perfectionism may seem admirable at first glance—reflecting motivation and ambition—it can actually be detrimental. It’s a relentless cycle of setting unattainable standards and harsh self-criticism when he inevitably falls short, as perfection is an unrealistic goal.
This mindset leads him to observe rather than engage, and to quit instead of putting in effort. In his pursuit of perfection, he risks missing out on meaningful experiences.
Experts describe perfectionism as “a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-assessments.” If ignored, it can pave the way for anxiety, depression, and various other health issues that I desperately want to shield my son from.
The Rise of Perfectionism
Research indicates that perfectionism is increasingly common among children and adolescents. By the time they reach their teenage years, about 25-30% exhibit “maladaptive perfectionism,” which drives them to pursue an unattainable ideal that causes distress. An even larger number experience a less harmful form of perfectionism, but it still poses risks for future mental health struggles.
Several factors contribute to perfectionism. Genetics plays a role—according to Dr. Maxine Rivers, a psychologist specializing in youth development, perfectionism can be inherited. I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt, as I recognize those traits in myself; I’ve always been a perfectionist, though I’ve learned to suppress the part of me that sets standards I’d never impose on anyone else.
Societal pressures and the influence of social media are also significant contributors. As Dr. Rivers explains, children often feel shame if they can’t keep up with their peers.
Ways to Address Perfectionism
Understanding where perfectionism originates is crucial, but the pressing question remains: how can I help my son learn to quiet that inner critic? How can I motivate him to take risks, even if it means facing failure?
My attempts at encouragement often feel ineffective. I remind him that his teacher simply wants to see effort in his homework. I emphasize that the goal of trying out for the basketball team is to have fun. Above all, I strive to express pride in his accomplishments, highlighting his strengths whenever possible.
Despite my efforts, he continues to hold back. Dr. Lisa Mendez, a pediatric psychologist, advises parents of perfectionistic children to be present. “Their emotions are intense in those moments, and if you try to intervene too quickly, they may feel unheard,” she notes.
After he experiences these emotional outbursts, she recommends discussing his feelings and reassuring him that everyone faces setbacks. Similarly, Dr. Thompson, a school counselor, suggests sharing personal stories of mistakes and struggles to demonstrate that it’s okay to be vulnerable.
I anticipate that the journey ahead will be challenging for my son. Silencing the voice that demands perfection is no easy feat—I know this all too well. Yet, I believe it’s achievable with patience and empathy.
My son is a perfectionist, but he is also so much more. He has a rich life ahead of him, and I refuse to let the pursuit of perfection hinder his experiences.
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Summary:
My son’s perfectionism often prevents him from fully engaging in life experiences, leading him to avoid challenges for fear of failure. As a parent, I seek ways to support him in overcoming these tendencies, understanding the roots of perfectionism, and encouraging him to embrace effort over flawless outcomes. While this journey may be difficult, I believe it is possible with understanding and compassion.
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