I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Rumination is a core symptom of both, and it often feels like I’m facing a double whammy. Clinically, rumination is defined as a continuous cycle of negative thoughts that replay in one’s mind endlessly. Personally, I would describe it as a unique form of torment that feels inescapable, as these distressing thoughts are trapped within my mind, with no off switch. I feel like a hostage to my own thoughts.
I’m not exaggerating; this is truly how it feels to endure this struggle. There are moments when my rumination is less intense, allowing me to feel a slight release from the constant tension in my shoulders. I may find brief moments of respite from the relentless worries about job security, health concerns, and my existential fears. Yet, once those thoughts are triggered, the cycle becomes so overwhelming that it takes over my life.
I can put on a brave face. I manage to function—working, taking my kids to school, packing lunches, assisting with homework, shuttling them to appointments, and trying to carve out time for my partner. I have numerous blessings in my life. However, I would be dishonest if I didn’t acknowledge how much anxiety robs me of genuine moments. I often find myself frozen in fear I can’t articulate or trapped in my own mind, missing out on being fully present, even when I’m physically there.
For me, rumination is the most debilitating symptom of anxiety. It’s the one aspect that medication and therapy have struggled to alleviate, unlike other symptoms that are more easily managed. It drains my energy, diminishes my patience, and disrupts my sleep.
There’s a lot happening in my life right now, and change tends to trigger my rumination. My mind spirals into thoughts about what could happen if… my kids contract COVID-19 from a classmate and face severe illness, or if I lose my job and our health insurance, leaving us unable to afford necessary medical care. I often find myself fixating on intense, stressful scenarios that, while unlikely, feel incredibly plausible when my mind is consumed with them.
Sometimes the worries are about smaller issues, but they can feel insurmountable as I struggle to see the bigger picture, overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts. Rumination leaves me feeling powerless, which is a frustrating sensation. It transforms my usually extroverted and optimistic nature into one that wants to retreat from everything and everyone. This anger often spills over onto my family, particularly my partner and children, who do not deserve it. This, in turn, heightens my anxiety, perpetuating the cycle of rumination.
I was discussing my mental state with a friend recently, explaining that right now I feel ensnared in a cycle of rumination. I said, “You know how sometimes a red light seems to come out of nowhere? The car in front of you slams on its brakes, and you brace yourself for impact, holding your body tense with fear of a crash? For me, that feeling lasts for weeks or even months without a break. I can’t just move on with my day.”
That’s the best way I can articulate it; I feel perpetually braced for impact, unsure of what it might entail or if it will ever occur, yet my body instinctively prepares for the worst. The anxiety manifests physically, causing jaw pain, headaches, and muscle tension. I have knots in my back the size of baseballs. Anxiety and depression extend beyond the mind; they inflict physical pain too.
I haven’t found a miracle solution, as there isn’t one. Each person copes with anxiety, OCD, and their related symptoms differently. Medication is vital for me, and talk therapy proves invaluable as well. Since I can’t silence my mind, I focus on alleviating the symptoms of rumination through physical activities I enjoy. I appreciate a good stretch followed by cardio, and I treat myself to deep tissue massages when possible for some relief. I read fiction, watch reality TV, write, take my kids to the park, and listen to true crime podcasts while driving.
Meditation remains a challenge for me. I haven’t mastered it yet, despite hearing how transformative it can be. I can’t quiet my mind, so the thoughts I’m trying to escape from intrude, making meditation ineffective for me at this time. If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that your coping strategies may differ from mine. Some may thrive on meditation. I believe professional healthcare should be prioritized and wish it were more accessible to everyone. Ultimately, it’s about discovering what works for you. These coping methods may only provide temporary relief, but they can be worthwhile.
Those of us battling mental health issues generally experience some form of relief eventually, as we hit highs and lows. I recognize that my baseline involves anxiety and OCD, and when I’m at my worst, I get trapped in cycles of rumination that affect my daily life, self-worth, and overall health. It’s a challenging experience, and I long to escape this cycle. But for now, I prepare for the next wave.
If you’re also caught in this rumination cycle, know that I see you. We can navigate this together.
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Summary
Rumination, a symptom of anxiety and OCD, can feel like a relentless cycle of negative thoughts that disrupt everyday life. While there are brief moments of relief, the intense focus on worst-case scenarios can leave individuals feeling powerless and anxious. Coping strategies vary from person to person, and while there may not be a one-size-fits-all solution, finding what works for you is essential. It’s important to seek professional help and recognize that you’re not alone in this struggle.
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