In my previous article, “My Brother Took Our Mother’s Life & I Think I Understand Why,” I recount the tragic murder of my mother and the complex emotions surrounding my brother’s actions. However, a question I frequently encounter leaves me breathless, often stumbling over my words: “How did you survive all of this?”
To be candid, there are days when it feels like I haven’t survived at all. The cycle of abuse is a long, winding path filled with challenges that I am still navigating, grappling with the shame that often accompanies victims. Yet, there are moments when I can answer the underlying question – how can two siblings from the same family end up on such divergent paths: one becoming a murderer, the other a source of inspiration?
In Simpler Terms, “How Does Love Find a Way?”
The answer, though painful in its simplicity, is that both love and hate stem from attachment. For every experience my brother felt alienated by, I had one where I felt accepted or even celebrated for being different.
I came into the world second. By the time I was born, my parents had separated, and my father was no longer present. Their divorce was finalized when I was just two, but his absence felt normal to me. Thus, when my father exited our lives, it was only devastating for my brother.
Our many relocations shaped my childhood; by the time I turned sixteen, I had lived in ten different homes. I embraced change and relished the opportunity to meet new friends. My brother, however, found himself marginalized. While I also faced bullying, the world tended to be more forgiving towards me as a girl. When we faced rejection, it affected him far more deeply, especially since he had already been abandoned by our father.
As our lives progressed, my brother’s mental health deteriorated, leading to attempts on his life. He was institutionalized, where he learned to view himself as even more of an outsider. This period marked the lowest point in his life, compounded by our father’s absence. I visited him during these times, despite having been a victim of his earlier abuse.
Through these harrowing experiences, I gained a profound understanding of how dark one’s life can feel. Yet, I also discovered how rewarding it is to offer support and relief to someone in pain. My brother’s struggles were devastating for both of us, but I found solace in my studies and friendships, leaving me with a sense of hope.
After high school, my brother turned to exercise and drugs. He became physically strong but emotionally toxic, channeling his insecurities into anger directed at our mother and me. We endured physical and emotional violence, and our home became a battleground. Despite the turmoil, my mother and I thrived during his absences, focusing on our goals and nurturing our bond.
Tragically, just weeks after I graduated from college, my brother took my mother’s life. This act of violence had been brewing for some time, yet I managed to survive. I had learned that although bad things may happen, they eventually cease, and love can always be rediscovered.
Support came to me in many forms: the encouragement of a teacher, the camaraderie of my sorority, and the open-heartedness of friends. My mother’s unwavering belief in me provided a foundation of hope. Love can be found in myriad places, and that, ultimately, is what shielded me from a life consumed by hatred.
This narrative does not absolve my brother of responsibility for his actions. Many individuals face similar challenges without resorting to violence. Blaming his actions solely on mental illness or external circumstances would be an oversimplification.
My message is a reminder that no one exists in isolation, and small acts of kindness can significantly impact those who are struggling. A little love can indeed make a world of difference, possibly steering someone away from a path of hatred.
I want to express my gratitude to all those who helped me recognize the love that was often hard to see amidst the darkness.
If you or someone you know may be experiencing domestic violence, I encourage you to reach out to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Summary
This piece reflects on the author’s harrowing experiences with her brother, who committed violence against their mother while she found ways to survive and thrive. It emphasizes the importance of love and support in overcoming trauma, urging readers to recognize the potential for kindness to change lives.
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