At the start of the school year, my son received a math assignment for homework. He delayed beginning the task until he had no other options left. When he finally started, he became frustrated while tackling the last problem. Although he had successfully completed all the other questions, his frustration boiled over, and he erased his work so vigorously that he tore a hole in his paper.
Later that week, while enjoying a game of basketball, I asked if he wanted to try out for the basketball team. He had been playing regularly and all his friends were planning to try out. Yet, he immediately declined, fearing he might not make the team or excel if he did.
The common thread in both situations—and countless others throughout the week—is my son’s perfectionism. If he can’t do something flawlessly, he often chooses not to attempt it at all. While perfectionism may seem admirable at first glance, it can be a double-edged sword. It leads to unrealistic self-expectations and harsh self-criticism when those expectations aren’t met—after all, perfection is an unattainable goal.
This mindset often causes him to sit back and observe rather than engage, to give up instead of trying. In his quest for perfection, he risks missing out on valuable experiences.
Experts define perfectionism as “a mix of exceedingly high personal standards and overly critical self-assessments.” If left unchecked, it can result in anxiety, depression, and other health issues—concerns that weigh heavily on my heart as a parent.
The Rise of Perfectionism
Research indicates that perfectionism is increasingly prevalent among children and young adults. By the time they reach their teenage years, around 25-30% exhibit “maladaptive perfectionism,” which involves striving for an impossible ideal that brings distress. A larger number experience a different, albeit less harmful, form of perfectionism that still poses a risk for future mental health challenges.
Various factors contribute to this trend, including genetics. According to Dr. Tomás Green, a psychologist specializing in child and youth development, perfectionism can be inherited. (Here’s where my mom guilt kicks in—these traits are partially my doing. I’ve struggled with perfectionism all my life, learning to quiet the voice that demands standards I would never impose on others, but it’s still a work in progress.)
Societal influences, particularly social media, also play a role. As Dr. Green points out, children can feel shame and embarrassment for not keeping pace with their peers.
Strategies for Support
Understanding the roots of perfectionism is crucial, but the pressing question is—what can I do? How can I help my son quiet that inner critic and encourage him to take risks, even if it leads to failure?
My reassurances often fall on deaf ears. I remind him that his teacher values effort over perfection and that the basketball team is about having fun. I strive to celebrate his achievements, no matter how small, and highlight them frequently.
Nonetheless, he continues to hold back. Dr. Lisa Hartman, a pediatric psychologist, offers valuable advice for parents of children with escalating perfectionist tendencies: be present.
“When their emotions are overwhelming, intervening can make them feel unheard,” she explains.
Once the emotional storm has passed, she recommends discussing the situation. Let your child know that their perceived failures are not their fault—they are a part of life. Dr. Hartman also suggests sharing personal stories of your own setbacks and how you overcame them. “Being vulnerable with our kids can create a connection we often overlook,” she adds.
I anticipate a challenging road ahead for my son. Silencing that urge for perfection is no easy task—I know this from my own experiences. Yet, I also believe it’s achievable with time, patience, and compassion.
While my son is a perfectionist, he is so much more than that. He has a whole life ahead of him, and I refuse to let perfectionism hinder his journey.
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