Sometimes, it’s challenging to know how to begin. I’ll start with this: “I am a survivor of domestic abuse. My mother, however, is not.”
Many might assume that my mother’s fate was tragic, but she was not murdered by my father. Instead, after nearly two decades of relentless physical, verbal, and emotional torment towards both my mother and me, it was my brother who took her life. He was apprehended the following morning after a brief escape and standoff with law enforcement. You might think the legal aftermath would be straightforward, given that my brother confessed to me over the phone and warned me not to return home. There had been multiple documented police visits due to domestic disturbances in our household. Yet, as I recount in my memoir, Searching for Justice, it took an agonizingly long time to see him convicted. My brother manipulated the criminal justice system just as he had manipulated our lives for years. It was a draining experience.
When my brother was finally incarcerated years later, I felt a sense of relief wash over me, like I could finally allow myself to grieve. His legal battles had kept me trapped in a state of emotional turmoil, but now it seemed like a chapter had closed. I thought I could finally move forward. But the truth is, I had no idea how challenging the healing process would prove to be. I assumed that with my brother’s reign of terror ended, my trauma would dissipate as well. I quickly learned that buried emotions have a way of resurfacing, and trauma doesn’t tidy itself up just because the source of pain has been removed.
As I began to confront the aftermath of the abuse, a lengthy and difficult journey unfolded. Despite the rocky path, I knew I had to follow it for my own sake, and for my children’s. However, the process required me to revisit painful memories: the scene of my mother’s murder, the years of abuse we endured, and the myriad of unanswered “why’s” and “how’s.” It was essential that I relive these experiences enough to diminish their grip on me. Therapy and the right support were invaluable in this process, as was a significant amount of grace and self-forgiveness.
The hardest part of healing was the concept of forgiveness. While I don’t believe I will ever forgive my brother, I don’t see it as a necessary step for my recovery. As I noted in my memoir, “Forgiveness can sometimes inadvertently restore a victim’s lost freedom back to their abuser.” It’s a burden that victims shouldn’t have to carry. What truly matters is allowing ourselves the space to heal and forgiving ourselves for past decisions. After a decade of intensive work and personal advocacy, I am proud to say I have forgiven myself for prioritizing someone else’s well-being over my safety. This realization has been transformative.
But that was just the beginning. Once I found some measure of forgiveness and healing, I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries. This meant reassessing all my relationships, which led to the painful decision to let go of those who didn’t respect my healing journey. This process resulted in fewer friendships and even a divorce, which brought additional trauma that required more therapeutic work.
I won’t pretend that I’ve always stayed on the path to healing, especially when faced with naysayers. It’s often much easier to deny the existence of trauma than to confront the pain it brings, particularly when your motives are questioned. I’ve been accused of “playing the victim” for discussing my experiences, but I believe sharing my story is integral to my healing. Others’ inability to accept my narrative speaks more to their own growth needs than to mine.
So, for anyone else grappling with similar issues, hang in there. This journey is anything but easy, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.
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Summary:
This article shares a survivor’s journey from the traumatic experience of domestic abuse at the hands of a brother, detailing the long process of healing and self-forgiveness without the need to forgive the abuser. It emphasizes the importance of confronting trauma, establishing healthy boundaries, and the challenges of navigating relationships post-abuse. The narrative serves as a beacon of hope for those enduring similar struggles.
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