For me, falling asleep and staying asleep feels like an uphill battle. I find myself staring at the glowing stars projected on the ceiling, a request from my kids that stays on until they drift off. Once they’re asleep, I switch off the twinkling lights and try once more to find slumber, but to no avail. Much like the kids’ bedtime book suggests, I often remind myself to “Go to Sleep.” Unfortunately, insomnia is back with a vengeance.
By the fourth sleepless night, I’m so drained that I relent and take a Xanax. It does help, but I’m wary of becoming reliant on it. Like many mothers, my struggle with insomnia began during pregnancy. I tossed and turned, trying to find comfort with my growing belly while expecting twins. In those early months after their arrival, I managed the frequent feedings and fussiness like a pro. Now that my daughters are a bit older, sleep interruptions come not only from their nightmares or bathroom trips but also from persistent insomnia.
According to the Office of Women’s Health, one in four women experience insomnia. Primary insomnia, a sleep disorder by itself, can be diagnosed by a doctor, who will first rule out any underlying health issues. There’s also secondary insomnia, which coincides with other medical conditions like anxiety, depression, or PTSD. Studies show that insomnia sufferers are ten times more likely to battle depression and 17 times more likely to experience anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with mild anxiety and depression, hence my occasional Xanax use.
The Sleep Foundation suggests that adults aged 26 to 64 should aim for seven to nine hours of sleep per night. As I approach 40, research indicates that women in this age group are more prone to chronic insomnia than men. I typically get into bed by 10:00 p.m. after binge-watching some episodes of “Schitt’s Creek,” sometimes even as early as 9:45 p.m. My wife and I usually head to bed together, but once she falls asleep, she starts snoring. While I can usually tune her out with our white noise machine, I still can’t pinpoint what keeps me awake.
After kissing my daughters goodnight and saying my prayers, I reflect on all the positives in my life—from my children to job stability and more. I try to relax and let go of the day’s stress. I shift positions in bed, hoping that a new angle will be my saving grace instead of the Xanax. I try counting backward from ten, but nothing seems to work.
Perhaps it’s the anticipation of what’s to come during the night. I know our youngest will likely wander into our room complaining about her bed being uncomfortable, and I’ll end up in her room, wrapped in her unicorn blanket, vaguely remembering how I got there—it’s like waking up with a hangover.
That’s what insomnia feels like after too long: a nightmarish hangover. During those sleepless hours, my mind tends to wander, compiling a mental list of home projects I want to tackle. I think about decorations, budget-friendly ideas, and time frames for each project, often leading me down a Pinterest rabbit hole. Five seconds in, I remind myself that I have no money, and shopping from my bed at 1:00 a.m. does nothing to help my situation.
At times, I choose to take Xanax to assist with sleep. I’m careful not to overuse it, as both my parents struggled with addiction, and I don’t want to tread that dangerous path. I typically wait four nights without solid sleep before I consider taking a Xanax. There are also times when I opt for alternative methods to calm my mind and body: meditation, cutting back on coffee, taking a day off work, or disconnecting from the internet. While some of these strategies work occasionally, I yearn for a consistent solution.
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Summary
This article explores the challenges of insomnia, particularly in the context of motherhood. It discusses the onset of insomnia during pregnancy, the struggles of sleepless nights, and various methods to cope. The author shares personal experiences with anxiety and the occasional need for Xanax, all while reflecting on the impact of insomnia on daily life.
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