The commentary surrounding adoption often feels relentless, surfacing at the most unexpected moments—like during preschool pick-up or while waiting in a checkout line. Many people fail to grasp that there is no “return policy” on children. They often equate adoption to something transient, judging those who choose this path as selfish or misguided. What these individuals neglect to comprehend is the permanence of adoption and the profound responsibilities of parenthood.
As a parent, I’ve lived the delicate balance of nurturing one child while managing the trauma of another. The struggle of choosing between the needs of two children is not easy. How could I give up?
Let me share a moment four years later, one that still shakes me. The sunlight streamed through the windows, and for the first time in months, I felt a flicker of peace. My five-year-old son, who had faced significant trauma and institutionalization, leaned against me as I read a story. His gentle touch against my arm was a stark contrast to the months of tantrums and rage I had endured. In that moment, it felt possible to navigate this journey together if we could continue to create these tender memories.
My one-year-old son, healthy and untroubled, wandered back and forth, bringing us books. He requested to sit on my lap, but when I lifted him, he fussed and I placed him back down. He crawled away, crying, only to repeat this a few times. I was concerned about his distress, yet the connection with my eldest held strong. As I focused on reading with my oldest, I found solace in our shared progress.
However, shadows soon fell upon this fragile moment. As I prepared for the evening routine, I noticed angry red welts on my youngest son’s stomach. Panic surged through me. They did not appear raised or itchy but rather bruised. I locked eyes with my oldest son and understood—I recognized that familiar, defiant expression on his face. It was a silent challenge: “What will you do now? Do you still want to be my mother?” The price for my fleeting peace was evident, and it was steep.
In that moment, I was acutely aware that my older son needed to learn unconditional love, despite his trauma and anger. Yet I felt a surge of rage towards him. I took his hand, and he resisted fiercely—screaming, scratching, biting. I didn’t blame him; this was pure survival. I gently but swiftly led him to his room and locked the door—not to confine him, but to protect both of us from the chaos that threatened to overflow. I feared that I would hurt him in my frustration.
On the other side of that door, I felt utterly powerless. All my training, love, and intentions seemed to vanish. I had never been so enraged, so close to losing control. This is the reality for many parents facing similar challenges. Imagine looking down into a dark well, seeing a parent at the bottom, head on knees. Would you extend a hand or cast judgment? Consider what truly aids a child in distress.
What helped my family was finding a supportive new home for my oldest son. A family with experience in nurturing children who had faced similar traumas. The day they welcomed him, they not only reassured me it was okay to let go but also expressed understanding of the reasons behind my struggles. Instead of judgment, they provided a pathway toward healing for all of us.
So, what can we do as a community? Instead of casting judgment, let’s choose to be supportive. If you see a mother struggling with her child in public, pause and breathe. It could be that she’s facing challenges far beyond what’s visible. Perhaps she’s endured countless tantrums or sleepless nights. A simple smile can offer her the strength to continue her efforts.
In this way, we can all become threads in the fabric of support for parents and their children, fostering healing and change.
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Summary:
Parenting adopted children often presents profound challenges that can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration. The journey is complex, requiring patience and understanding from both parents and the community. Rather than judging, we should foster a supportive environment that acknowledges the struggles of parents and offers small gestures of kindness that can make a significant difference.
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