It began quietly: a shove here, a push there. But it escalated swiftly. Just months after the first incident, he hit me again. I found myself with a bloody nose and a black eye. Although the signs of abuse were glaringly evident—his manipulative and controlling behavior, the physical violence, and the verbal degradation—I was unable to foresee the impending disaster. The warning signals were right in front of me, yet I was blinded by my circumstances. My vision clouded, my eyes (literally) swollen shut. This haze persisted for years.
I remained in an abusive relationship for far too long. I wish I could claim I left after he dragged me, half-clothed and screaming, through a suburban neighborhood. My hair was a tangled mess, and my body bore the marks of his violence. I wish I could say I walked away after a drunken altercation over something as trivial as a banana, which left me with multiple facial injuries. There was a deep cut on my nose and bruising across my cheeks and eyes. I even wish I could tell you that I left after he held my head underwater and nearly drowned me in the bath. But I didn’t. I stayed.
For years, I endured. The reasons for my endurance were many. I was frightened and lonely, and I struggled with the idea of letting go. I believed things would improve; that I could change him. Shame kept me tethered, making me feel responsible for his actions. Yet what truly matters is the present—what I am doing today. Today, I am evolving, thriving, and truly living, no longer just surviving. I wake up free from bandages, with no broken bones to tend to, no wounds or scars.
However, I won’t pretend this transformation was quick. Leaving an abusive relationship is merely the first step in a long journey of healing—something no one adequately prepares you for. Recovery is challenging, filled with pain, sadness, and grief. I mourn the loss of the person I once was and the relationship that should have been. This was my friend, my partner, my past, present, and future. Anger simmers within me. I despise the thought that my abuser had any power over me. Disappointment in both him and myself is constant. I feel like I’ve failed, yet I’m also furious. Why? Because after leaving, I was forced to confront a painful truth: I stayed. For years, I didn’t value myself or my life. The trauma I endured impacted both my body and mind, and the recovery process has been lengthy.
I am still healing. Living through violence leaves a mark. Every shout sends me into a panic. A slammed door or broken glass can leave me paralyzed. Tension in my living space makes me freeze. Confrontation is a struggle, and my self-esteem remains fragile. Even after seven years since my last attack, I wrestle with my self-worth.
But I am gradually rebuilding my life, step by step. I meet weekly with a trauma specialist who assists me in rediscovering my identity and overcoming my past. My psychiatrist, whom I see once or twice a month, plays a crucial role in my recovery, offering support and guidance rather than just medication. I also have a few close friends with whom I share my feelings, keeping them informed about my struggles.
Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. Life after abuse is still a difficult journey. Yet, it is infinitely better than the alternative. Even with PTSD, I find joy in my life now more than ever because I’m free. I’m living for myself, on my own terms.
If you are in an abusive situation and need assistance, I encourage you to reach out for help. Resources are available to support you on your journey to safety and healing.
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- Signs of an abusive relationship
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In summary, leaving an abusive relationship is just the beginning of a long healing journey filled with challenges and self-discovery. It is essential to seek support and resources that can aid in the recovery process.
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