When I hear parents claim that their children won’t remember if their home was messy, a part of me internally shouts, “Oh, they definitely will.” Having lived with someone who had hoarding disorder, I understand that our perceptions of messiness differ significantly.
For many, a messy home might mean toys, clothes, papers, dirty dishes, and laundry piling up—just a space that feels “lived in.” However, for me, a mess means dirty dishes left out for weeks, searching through heaps of unwashed clothes for something wearable, or being unable to use the kitchen due to overwhelming clutter. To me, a mess is synonymous with hoarding disorder.
My mother never received a formal diagnosis, but I believe she belongs to the 5% of the population affected by this condition. It wasn’t until my 20s, after becoming captivated by the TLC show Hoarders, that I recognized the reality of our situation. Although our home wasn’t a complete disaster zone, it was clear that my mom struggled to maintain cleanliness, and the repercussions of that struggle have stayed with me.
As a child, I didn’t mind the mess as much. I didn’t realize that my relatives lived in tidy homes while ours was uncomfortably cluttered. It felt normal to me until one day I invited my aunt inside, and I understood why there was a sense of shame surrounding our home.
As I matured, the chaos began to weigh heavily on me. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I can see it now. My mom would insist that I couldn’t go out with friends until my room was tidy, yet I had no idea how to achieve that level of cleanliness. It felt unfair that I was expected to keep my space organized when I had to tread carefully through the other rooms.
I would express my frustration, saying things like, “But your room is messy too,” to which my mom would respond, “It doesn’t matter. I’m the parent.” Looking back, that reasoning still baffles me.
The hoarding issue meant that I couldn’t invite friends over, and even family visits were restricted. I recall my mom blocking the door when my grandmother came by, telling me, “Promise me you’ll never do this to me. I want to always come inside no matter how messy your house is.”
As an adult, my home has never come close to the level of disarray I experienced growing up. I can’t let it reach that point without turning into someone unrecognizable. Living with the remnants of childhood trauma linked to hoarding, I had to teach myself how to maintain a clean environment, which has caused tension in my adult relationships.
Friends used to point out how quickly I could create a mess in their spaces. They were correct; I often left things in disarray without realizing it. When my partner and I moved in together, he would frequently ask why I couldn’t tidy up after myself. He didn’t understand that for me, cleaning felt like a monumental task, not a simple daily habit. To me, cleaning was either an overwhelming project or something that seemed effortless, yet I was shocked when things became messy again after weeks of neglect.
Over time, I have acquired skills my parents failed to teach me, and I’ve experienced the tranquility that comes from a tidy home. Yet, when chaos inevitably arises with young children, I can feel my old anxieties resurface. The sight of dirty dishes and scattered toys triggers a deep frustration within me, making it difficult to move on until everything is restored to order. Once I achieve that, guilt washes over me.
Why can’t I relax and let my kids be kids? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by routine messes? I’ve made an unspoken promise to myself that my children will never face the embarrassment of living in a cluttered house. I want them to feel comfortable inviting friends over and to have clean clothes regularly.
However, in my pursuit of this commitment, I’ve forgotten how to let my little ones enjoy their childhood. The logic I know in my heart often feels lost when you grow up with a parent dealing with hoarding disorder. Although I’ve left that messy home behind, its effects linger on.
If you’re interested in learning more about the impact of hoarding disorder and related topics, you can check out this other blog post. Additionally, for more insights on fertility, visit Make a Mom, an authority on the subject, and explore IVF Babble for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This article reflects on the deep and lasting effects of living with a parent who has a hoarding disorder. The author shares personal experiences of growing up in a cluttered home and how it shaped their views on cleanliness and parenting. They express a commitment to providing a tidy environment for their own children, while grappling with the emotional fallout from their upbringing.
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