By: Clara Evans
Updated: Oct. 12, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 12, 2021
My children are navigating grief. For nearly four years, they’ve been on this journey. If I consider the anticipatory grief leading up to their loss, it stretches to about six years. This means I’ve been parenting children who are grieving for four years, not counting the earlier days when grief felt nameless and faceless.
In the immediate aftermath of their father’s passing, my husband, their grief was palpable. It manifested in tears, tantrums, and sleepless nights filled with stomach aches. My approach to parenting shifted dramatically to meet that immediate and intense grief. Every decision I made—from whether to enjoy breakfast at our favorite diner to allowing a friend to stay over—was grounded in the understanding that their pain was raw and close to the surface. When my son misbehaved, instead of reacting with anger, I held him tight until his overwhelming emotions calmed. I navigated my daughter’s slamming doors with a gentle voice. I permitted extra treats and let the playroom remain messy. To an outside observer, it might have seemed like I was indulging them without setting boundaries. However, I recognized that I couldn’t discipline a tantrum or a slammed door in the same way I might have before, because the root cause had changed. Their grief shaped my parenting decisions.
As time has passed, their grief has softened, becoming less overt. They often find joy, and they can talk about their dad without breaking into tears. Yet, their grief still resurfaces unexpectedly. For instance, during her first free writing assignment in English class, my daughter chose to write about cancer—specifically, her father’s battle with brain cancer. In her essay, she recounted moments I believed she had forgotten, detailing times when his anger, influenced by medication, would cloud his demeanor, and other instances where his frustration peaked as his mind struggled to express itself. Reading her words, my heart ached, knowing that these memories and the accompanying grief still occupy space in her heart and mind—and likely always will.
As their grief has evolved, so too has my parenting style. The days of unlimited treats are behind us. They are now expected to participate in maintaining our home. We discuss outbursts and poor choices, applying discipline as appropriate. While it may appear similar to pre-grief parenting on the surface, it is anything but. The shadow of grief remains, subtly influencing their behavior and my responses. I find myself considering every decision through the lens of their grief. Was my son just in a situation surrounded by friends and their fathers? Did my daughter have to listen to a friend recount a joyful “dad dance” her father performed?
Parenting children who are grieving means that their sorrow permeates every choice I make, even the smallest ones. Their grief is always present in my thoughts. To some, it may seem as though I’m still overly lenient or making excuses for their behavior. However, I maintain boundaries. They form friendships and engage in typical childhood activities. They are children, albeit with an underlying layer of grief. They will always be grieving, which means I will forever be parenting children in mourning, and my parenting will continually reflect that reality. I’m not the same parent I was during the initial stages of grief, nor can I revert to the parent I was before it entered our lives.
The truth is, some losses irrevocably alter us—shaping how we live, eat, sleep, and perceive the world. The grief stemming from such losses is not finite; it morphs over time. Life expands around that grief, but it remains, influencing our existence. The grief my children endure has permanently changed their childhoods. They will never be the individuals they might have been otherwise. Consequently, my parenting has transformed. I will never revert to the parent I might have been.
It is undoubtedly exhausting to parent in this manner, filled with constant second-guessing and uncertainty. Yet, there is a unique beauty in this approach. It compels me to parent with intention, striving to be attuned to my children’s emotional states. While I may not always succeed, I make every effort to ensure they feel heard, protected, and nurtured in a home that fosters empathy. Even my pre-grief parenting aimed for that.
For more insights on navigating parenthood, you can explore this blog post about parenting in challenging times. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination resources, check out this guide by Make a Mom. For further information on fertility and related topics, Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource.
Summary
Parenting grieving children requires adapting to their emotional needs, recognizing that their grief influences every aspect of their lives and my parenting choices. As they navigate their sorrow, I strive to balance discipline with empathy, ensuring they feel supported while learning to cope with their grief.
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