Understanding ‘Friendship Audits’: Beyond Just Toxic Relationships

When we talk about “friendship audits,” there’s more to consider than simply identifying toxic individuals in our lives. For instance, Jamie Roberts shares his perspective in “Why I Conduct Friendship Audits Annually.” He views these audits as a way to reflect on his connections, aiming to ensure he hasn’t let his friends down. Meanwhile, many of us, myself included, often use friendship audits to assess who remains in our circle and who may need to be let go. Think of it like sorting through a bag of pre-washed romaine lettuce, removing the questionable bits. Ideally, every leaf would be perfect, but that’s not always the case, which is why friendship audits are so important.

Reflecting on Dunbar’s Number—which suggests that an individual can maintain around 150 relationships—helps frame our understanding of these audits. This number encompasses all types of connections, not just close friendships. While you might have 150 acquaintances, your closest circle typically comprises only about 5 individuals. Nurturing these intimate relationships requires a significant time investment. Research suggests that to solidify a friendship, one should spend around 200 hours together over a few months. As noted by the Atlantic’s Sheon Han, maintaining close friendships is particularly time-consuming.

Given our limited time and the few spots available in our inner circle, it becomes necessary to evaluate our friendships. You might recall the saying, “Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” While this advice sounds wise, my personal experiences over the years have shown me that not all friendships endure.

In my earlier days, many of my friendships were built on a foundation of cheap drinks and wild nights out. I remember a classmate I adored but never hung out with outside of school simply because she didn’t drink. During those party-centric years, I wasn’t interested in investing time in someone who didn’t share my lifestyle. Conversely, those who did join me for adventures certainly contributed to the time needed to reinforce our bonds.

However, as time passed, natural friendship audits occurred, and the bonds that once held us together began to dissolve. Communication became challenging as our lives changed and we drifted apart. Ironically, it was the friends who indulged in heavy drinking that I eventually distanced myself from. As my party days faded, so did my patience for late-night chaos. This realization prompted a more intentional friendship audit, and I let go of those connections.

As I transitioned into adulthood, my friendships shifted toward those with shared interests, such as fellow educators and other mothers I met in parenting groups. We bonded over our shared experiences, but as our children grew, we found ourselves drifting apart once again.

Recognizing the value of my time, I knew I wouldn’t maintain relationships out of guilt or nostalgia. Hence, I conducted yet another friendship audit. Often, we associate friendship audits with cutting ties with toxic individuals, but for me, it’s more about the time I’m willing to invest in my relationships. Currently, I have about six close friends—ideal if we consider Dunbar’s Number. I cherish these relationships and am ready to prioritize quality time together, even if I don’t reach that lofty 200-hour mark.

Perhaps I should realign my approach to friendship audits, taking inspiration from Roberts’ goal of ensuring that the promises of friendship are honored. If we’re all putting in the effort, we can hope to weather the test of time together.

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Summary:

Friendship audits are more than just a means to identify toxic individuals; they help us evaluate the quality of our connections and prioritize those relationships that truly matter. As we navigate life changes, it’s essential to reflect on who we spend our time with and ensure that our friendships align with our current values and needs.