In recent years, there has been a growing movement to address the silence and shame that often accompany miscarriage. This issue is particularly close to home for Dr. Emily Carter, a psychologist specializing in reproductive and maternal mental health. Dr. Carter experienced the heart-wrenching loss of her second child at 16 weeks, an event that reshaped her understanding of pregnancy loss both personally and professionally. Through her journey, she has become an advocate for those navigating the complex emotions that follow a miscarriage.
Dr. Carter, author of I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement, and founder of the #IHadaMiscarriage campaign, focuses on two fundamental questions: How can individuals process their grief after a miscarriage? And, how can friends and family support those who have experienced this loss?
In a recent conversation, Dr. Carter shared insights on these critical questions, delving into the deeper issues of why miscarriage carries such stigma and why many feel ashamed or remain silent about their experiences.
Advice for Supporting a Friend After Pregnancy Loss
Dr. Carter emphasizes that many people struggle with what to say or do for someone grieving a miscarriage because our culture rarely addresses grief openly. Miscarriages, often referred to as “out-of-order losses,” create a unique grief that can be hard to articulate. Friends may unintentionally rely on well-meaning but ineffective platitudes that can leave the grieving person feeling even more isolated. Phrases such as “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “It wasn’t meant to be” often do not provide comfort and can inadvertently reinforce feelings of shame and isolation.
Dr. Carter advises against trying to fix the situation and instead encourages meeting the grieving person where they are emotionally. Here are some supportive phrases to use:
- Do say: “How are you?”
- Don’t say: “It’ll be different next time.”
- Do say: “If you’d like to talk about your experience, I’m here.”
- Don’t say: “Stay positive.”
- Do say: “I’m here to support you through whatever you are feeling.”
- Don’t say: “Maybe you should try IVF or adopt next time…”
It’s crucial to approach these conversations with empathy, imagining what one might want to hear in a similar situation. Consistency, compassion, and love go a long way in offering support.
Understanding the Grief of Miscarriage
Dr. Carter believes it is essential for people to recognize that grief is a natural human experience and not something to rush through. Grief after a miscarriage is often non-linear, unpredictable, and deeply personal. She encourages individuals to acknowledge their feelings and to remember that they are not alone in their sorrow.
Through her own journey, Dr. Carter learned that trauma and grief can leave one feeling suspended in a state of uncertainty. It’s vital to allow oneself to navigate this grief without judgment. If the pain feels overwhelming, seeking professional help or finding a supportive community can be beneficial.
Combatting Shame Around Miscarriage
Many women feel shame surrounding miscarriage due to a combination of societal silence, stigma, and internalized blame. Dr. Carter notes that this cycle can be broken by sharing our stories and speaking openly about our experiences. Miscarriage is a common occurrence, affecting 1 in 4 pregnancies, yet the lack of discourse leaves many feeling isolated.
In her book, she underscores the need for cultural change, advocating for conversations that normalize discussions around miscarriage and the associated emotions. By fostering an environment where individuals feel safe to express their grief, we can begin to dismantle the stigma and shame that often silence those who have experienced pregnancy loss.
Addressing Bump Envy
Experiencing envy when seeing others with baby bumps is a natural reaction, especially after a loss. Dr. Carter suggests acknowledging these feelings and understanding that many people face hidden struggles in their journey to parenthood. Remembering the statistics around pregnancy loss can help put things into perspective.
Navigating Complex Emotions After a Miscarriage
It’s important to recognize that responses to miscarriage can vary widely. Some may feel relief for various reasons, yet this response is often stigmatized. Dr. Carter encourages open discussions about these feelings, as they are valid and part of the healing process.
For those navigating the journey of pregnancy loss, resources like this article on pregnancy and home insemination can provide valuable insights. Additionally, if you’re looking for a comprehensive guide to artificial insemination, this resource from Make A Mom is an excellent authority on the topic. For those interested in fertility-enhancing recipes, check out this post about fertility smoothies for helpful tips.
By creating a supportive community and normalizing the conversation around miscarriage, we can help future generations navigate these challenges with greater understanding and compassion.
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