Being kind should be a natural expectation. It shouldn’t require me to disclose that my daughter is autistic for you to treat us with respect.
Over the past year, I’ve realized that many people have preconceived notions about what autism looks like. Even though my daughter exhibits some of the more “typical” traits associated with the condition, I often encounter surprise when I mention her diagnosis.
This became particularly evident during a visit to the doctor’s office last winter. My daughter was expressing joy through some loud squeals, a common form of happy stimulation for her. While I understand that this behavior might be disruptive in certain settings, I always strive to help her express her emotions in more appropriate ways when necessary. However, sometimes my attempts fall short.
Interestingly, my doctor remained unfazed by the noise. He noticed my efforts to redirect her and reassured me, saying, “Don’t worry about it. She’s not bothering me.” This kind of understanding was a relief, especially as a mother of a child whose behaviors often draw negative attention. I took his advice to heart and let go of my worries. Unfortunately, my experience with the nurse was quite different.
Despite my daughter’s beaming smile, the nurse remarked, “Someone doesn’t sound happy,” and asked her to use an inside voice. I let it slide initially, but when she tried to use a sticker as a bribe to get my daughter to say “please” and make eye contact, I had to intervene.
I explained that my daughter is autistic and that the nurse’s approach was inappropriate. She quickly apologized and attempted to win me over with the sticker, but it infuriated me that I had to disclose my daughter’s diagnosis to elicit any empathy.
It shouldn’t be so hard to realize that some children (and adults) require accommodations. It’s even more troubling to see the underlying assumption that every child who appears “normal” is neurotypical. Autism and other disabilities don’t always come with visible signs, and believing otherwise only perpetuates ableism and discrimination against those with autism.
When my daughter experiences frustration, she might kick, scream, or even hit herself. While people may interpret this as “bad behavior,” it’s really her way of communicating her struggles. These actions are her attempts at self-regulation. We’re working on healthier coping strategies, but I shouldn’t have to justify her behavior for people to be kind.
Many fail to recognize that behavior is a form of communication. For those on the autism spectrum who may be nonverbal, their reactions express their needs, wants, or feelings. Just like we wouldn’t silence a neurotypical child during a meltdown, we shouldn’t suppress the expressions of an autistic child.
Thus, the judgmental stares and unsolicited parenting advice from those who lack an understanding of autism are not helpful. Saying, “Sorry, I didn’t know,” doesn’t cut it. People shouldn’t need to know a child’s diagnosis to simply be respectful.
I’ve decided to stop apologizing for my daughter’s behavior. It does not serve her or me; it only placates the judgmental. It can also make my daughter feel more vulnerable in social situations, which is the opposite of what I want for her.
When she squeals with happiness or engages in her unique pacing and flapping, it fills my heart with joy. Those moments are beautiful and valid, even if they look different from what others might expect. My daughter is doing her best, and that is more than enough.
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Summary:
This piece emphasizes the importance of kindness and understanding towards individuals with autism and their families. It highlights the misconception that autism has a specific appearance and advocates for recognizing behavior as a form of communication. The author stresses that empathy shouldn’t depend on knowing a diagnosis and encourages acceptance of different expressions of joy and frustration.
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