In my immigrant family, overt displays of love and affection from my parents were rare, both physically and verbally. Among my peers, it seems that the primary way our Chinese parents expressed their worries was through food. “Eat more!” they would insist, even when we were already full. However, my father’s way of showing concern leaned more towards paranoia regarding my brother’s and my safety.
Growing up, I was restricted from participating in activities that could lead to injury. Living just minutes from the ski slopes didn’t matter; I was forbidden to ski, and I had to watch from the sidelines during my friends’ ice-skating parties. My brother, who had a severe nut allergy, was excluded from almost all extracurricular activities. He even turned to setting up a small tent in his room to satisfy his scouting dreams. Team sports? Forget it for both of us.
As my dad aged, his anxiety seemed to intensify. During a family trip to an unfamiliar outdoor mall when I was a teenager, I volunteered to find the taxi stand but ended up getting lost. When I eventually returned, my dad’s face was flushed with worry. “I thought you’d been kidnapped!” he exclaimed, nearing the point of calling the police. Similarly, when my brother missed his flight back from college, Dad called me in a panic, convinced that “his plane must have been hijacked!”
After graduating college, I was eager to claim my independence and took a job on the other side of the country, hoping to avoid my dad’s well-meaning but stressful influence. Yet, he still found ways to extend his control from afar. During my first year in Washington, D.C., just as the second Iraq War began, he purchased two child-sized Israeli gas masks for me on eBay. “You must keep one with you at all times!” he insisted. He also insisted that I avoid the subway, opting for the bus instead, which he deemed safer. Feeling ridiculous with a gas mask stuffed in my bag, I complied for two weeks before I stashed it away and resumed taking the subway.
That same year, the SARS outbreak occurred in Asia. Despite a global shortage of Tamiflu, my dad somehow managed to secure a small supply and sent it to me with an urgent warning: “This could save your life. Don’t share it with anyone!” While I appreciated his concern, I didn’t want to live in fear.
Years later, during my pregnancy amid the Zika virus outbreak in South America, the calls from my dad intensified. “Don’t go outside! Keep the windows closed!” he urged. I knew better than to explain that the virus hadn’t reached my area, so I promised my unborn child a more carefree childhood, free from his anxieties.
Then COVID-19 hit. My dad, now facing serious health issues and categorized as high-risk, stopped leaving the house. He began praying for health and protection from the virus, expressing despair, “I will definitely die if I get it.” For the first time, I recognized the truth in his words.
Seeing him vulnerable stirred deep emotions within me. It felt unfair that I had distanced myself from him throughout my adulthood for my mental well-being. I realized he had rarely expressed concern for himself, focusing instead on his family and showing love in the only way he knew.
Now, I live a flight away from my dad, who, despite being vaccinated, is hesitant to travel. It’s been nearly two years since my five-year-old last saw him, as travel is complicated by quarantine rules. The pandemic has highlighted the importance of relationships, reminding us not to take one another for granted.
I hope we can visit soon. The idea of hugging my dad still feels awkward (I’m pretty sure our last hug was when I was in kindergarten), but I can already picture the warmth in my son’s embrace as he sees his grandfather. I know my dad’s eyes will light up with joy.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, the author shares her journey of coming to appreciate her overprotective immigrant upbringing, highlighting the challenges of parental anxiety, cultural expressions of love, and how these experiences shaped her adulthood. As she navigates the complexities of her relationship with her father during the COVID-19 pandemic, she recognizes the importance of familial bonds and the necessity of not taking loved ones for granted.
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