Growing up, I remember family gatherings where the women, including my grandmother, mother, and aunts, were busy preparing food and managing the children, while the men lounged in the living room, engrossed in sports and casual conversation. The women set the table, cooked, served, and cleaned up, all while juggling children’s tantrums and needs. Occasionally, fathers would shout at us kids for being rowdy, but their involvement rarely extended beyond that. It was clear that these women were what we now call “the default parent.”
As a child, I didn’t think much of it; it was simply the norm. But now, as a mother myself, I am exhausted by the sight of men enjoying their meals while women barely get a chance to sit down.
This isn’t just about family dinners—it’s a pervasive reality for mothers everywhere. In every household, someone takes on the role of the default parent. If you identify as a woman, chances are you don’t need to fill out a questionnaire to determine that it’s you. Just like the myriad other responsibilities in your home, you “just know” it’s you.
We are the ones our children come to for everything, even when we are multitasking. While our partners might be relaxing, we remember our kids’ likes and dislikes and keep track of their schedules. The default parent knows every child’s needs, manages the family’s emotional dynamics, and handles logistics that nobody else wants to deal with. We do more than enough—some would argue we do too much.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not something mothers ask for when they choose to have families; it’s not a part of parenting that should simply “come with the territory.” It’s unjust that many mothers manage every aspect of family life while fathers contribute only when they feel like it, or worse, only after being prompted.
We shouldn’t have to ask for help when the signs of struggle are clear. If the house is messy, the kids are hungry, and mom hasn’t changed her sweater in days, the responsibility for pointing these issues out shouldn’t rest solely with the default parent. It feels as if we are the only ones attuned to our children’s needs. When partners ask us to delegate tasks that have been routine since the beginning of our parenting journey, it just adds to our burden. The result? Exhausted, stressed moms who hesitate to ask for assistance, because someone has to handle it and we can’t fathom why our partners don’t see it.
While we wear ourselves thin, many fathers glide through parenting without grasping the intricacies of daily life with kids. Yes, I acknowledge that “not all fathers” fit this mold, but it’s clear that many do, which is why this conversation is necessary.
I view these dysfunctional family dynamics as a generational curse. Countless individuals grew up in similar situations, perpetuating these patterns. Little girls become mothers who instinctively take on the default parent role, while boys become fathers who remain blissfully unaware, receiving credit for minimal contributions. Children learn from these dynamics, and as they grow up, they replicate this harmful behavior.
Sadly, the default parent can’t break this cycle without sacrificing their own well-being or, in extreme cases, leaving their partner. Moreover, it shouldn’t fall on us to fix yet another issue.
Moms everywhere need dads to step up. When kids wake up, whether in the morning or at night, we need fathers who will rise without being asked. We need dads who can dress their children without needing affirmation. We need fathers who keep track of their kids’ appointments and don’t always depend on mom to transport them. And for goodness’ sake, we need dads who serve their kids’ plates at family meals, allowing moms a moment to relax before the food gets cold.
If I could sum up our needs, it would be for dads to adopt a mindset more akin to that of moms. Not just for their partners, but for their children—because moms can only do so much.
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In summary, the burden of family responsibilities often falls disproportionately on mothers, leading to exhaustion and resentment. It’s crucial for fathers to become more involved in everyday tasks to foster a healthier family dynamic. Moms shouldn’t have to shoulder the weight alone; both parents should actively participate in raising their children and managing the household.
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