A few years back, my son received his driving license. He was well-prepared, having spent countless hours on my father’s farm, operating tractors and trucks.
On our first drive together, I felt the typical parental anxiety, while he exuded confidence. He passed his driving test on his first attempt, proudly earning a standard car that he worked hard to afford. He took great pride in that vehicle, dedicating time to clean and upgrade it, and he even secured a weekend job to support his expenses.
My son was generally responsible. However, in our state, there is a law preventing minors from having non-sibling passengers until they’ve maintained a clean driving record for nine months. I reminded him about this rule multiple times, and he promised he wouldn’t break it.
Yet, just two weeks shy of that milestone, he decided to take a drive during the pandemic, claiming he needed some fresh air. Instead of heading to the store, he took three underage friends for a joyride and lost control of the car, resulting in a rollover. Thankfully, everyone was unharmed, but the car was a complete wreck.
He didn’t contact the police; instead, a passerby did. When I arrived at the scene, my son admitted to violating the law and driving with friends, which led to a three-month suspension of his license and an additional nine-month ban on passengers.
While I was relieved that he and his friends were safe, I felt a mix of anger and betrayal. He had put himself and others at risk. This incident highlighted the importance of the law: without it, he might have driven recklessly to impress his friends.
A few days later, I was still angry. I listened to a podcast discussing guilt, where the therapist explained that guilt can be counterproductive. Although I wanted my son to feel remorse, I realized I had a choice: I could punish him and allow him the opportunity to learn from his mistake, or I could constantly remind him of it and create a barrier between us.
That summer, I learned the significance of granting second chances. Yes, my son had disappointed me and broken my trust, but I had to allow him the opportunity to rebuild it—a lesson emphasized by my brother-in-law, an elementary school principal.
Holding onto anger and resentment can lead kids to feel they have nothing to lose, diminishing their desire to act responsibly. While consequences are necessary, it’s crucial to provide support and encouragement as well. If we isolate them out of anger, we only hinder their growth.
Trusting our instincts as parents is vital; if negative behaviors persist, we can impose further consequences later. It was challenging to refrain from hovering once he regained his driving privileges, but believing in him was far more beneficial.
Looking back on that experience, it taught him an invaluable lesson. He hasn’t had any further incidents since, and just the other day, he picked up his brother from school, witnessing a friend getting pulled over for speeding. He remarked, “It felt so good to drive by and be a good kid. Seeing that cop gave me flashbacks.”
Trusting our children after they err can lead to better outcomes, even when it feels undeserved. For more insights on parenting and forgiveness, check out this post on second chances. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination resources, you can find helpful information at this link and for pregnancy guidance, visit this page.
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