Since my divorce became known, I have heard the same comments over and over.
“You’re so fortunate! At least you get a break half the time.”
“I wish I only had my kids fifty percent of the time.”
…Or some variation of this sentiment.
And honestly? It’s just not true. It’s not only insensitive but also presumptive and unkind.
My divorce stemmed from a need to escape a toxic situation and create a more peaceful environment for my children. They deserve better than the constant arguments their father and I had. Despite our efforts in therapy to learn effective communication, we eventually recognized that we were simply not compatible. We ended our relationship as amicably as possible (which was not very amicable at all), and we continue to co-parent as kindly as we can (which is not always kind). But we’re trying, and it’s incredibly challenging.
Co-parenting is perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life. Beyond the challenges of sharing parenting duties with someone I often disagree with, the emotional toll of our decision was immense. We finalized our divorce just ten days before the world was struck by a pandemic. I transformed from a full-time mom to one who only sees her kids half of the time during a global crisis.
So, during the fifty percent of the time I don’t have my children, what do I do? I worry about what they are doing with their father, who I rarely see eye to eye with. Co-parenting also comes with the additional anxiety of knowing they could contract a serious illness.
And let’s not forget that during that fifty percent, I have to work. As a single mother, I am hustling to make ends meet. So, in reality, I’m not fortunate to have my kids half the time; the flip side of this arrangement (which I never truly wanted) is that I have no partner to share the burdens of maintaining our home. Most of us find ourselves without much support at various stages of this journey. Thus, our child-free hours are consumed by work. For me, that means managing my three businesses and keeping up with household chores. My “child-free fifty percent” is 99.9% work and hardly glamorous.
The truth is, I’m as exhausted as the next mom who has her kids full-time. To be blunt, as a former homeschool teacher, I would much prefer to be burnt out from playtime rather than from paying the bills. I would rather be with my kids whenever possible than be forced to miss half of their lives. Many parents in similar situations share this sentiment. While from the outside, it may seem that we’re lucky, two contrasting truths can coexist, even if they seem contradictory.
Even with support (which is rare for all types of parents) and without the burden of constant labor (also rare), we aren’t lucky. Divorce is messy, filled with grief, and painful—especially when children are involved. There is no blessing in having a limited schedule with our children. It’s heart-wrenching. So please, spare us the comments.
For more insights on navigating parenthood, check out this related post. And if you’re looking for authoritative resources on home insemination, Make a Mom provides excellent kits and information. Additionally, March of Dimes offers great resources for those considering fertility treatments.
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In summary, while some may view sharing parenting time as a blessing, the reality is much more complex. Co-parenting can be a significant source of stress, especially when navigating the challenges of life post-divorce. It’s essential to recognize that every parent’s situation is unique and deserving of empathy.
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