My daughter received her Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis just two weeks after her third birthday. Initially, aside from a delay in speech, limited eye contact, and occasional lethargy, she didn’t display many typical autism traits. Those early days felt like a blissful honeymoon phase, but it didn’t last long.
It’s hard to say whether it was our newfound awareness or simply her age that led us to recognize her behavioral shifts. Regardless, not long after her diagnosis, we began observing more of the common characteristics of autism emerging in her.
As her limited means of communication caused her frustration, her agitation grew. Sensory sensitivities began to interfere with her daily life, and her eating habits took a stark turn. In response to her distress, she started to act out physically—towards me, her siblings, and even herself.
I’ve become all too familiar with the marks that my daughter leaves behind—bloody noses, scratches, and bite marks. During one particularly difficult episode, a doctor even suspected domestic abuse, questioning me multiple times about the injuries on my body. I had to assure her they were from my three-year-old, not my husband.
Leaving that appointment was heartbreaking. It pained me to witness my daughter reach such levels of frustration. I didn’t resent her for it; rather, I felt a mix of despair and helplessness because, as her mother, I couldn’t understand what she needed.
When we’re out in public, and I notice her growing upset, it’s not her behavior that troubles me the most; it’s the judgmental looks from strangers. Their expressions seem to scream, “If my child ever behaved like that…” I yearn for them to understand how fortunate they are that their children can communicate verbally. My daughter’s reactions are driven by an intense desire to express herself, a privilege she currently lacks.
I’m not suggesting that self-harm or aggression are healthy ways for an autistic child to cope. However, these behaviors cannot be dismissed as mere mischief or tantrums. They represent deeper issues that need careful examination. Each instance demands a closer look to identify triggers and patterns, which is undoubtedly challenging.
While autism has its beautiful aspects, these difficulties are not among them. Unlike some special needs parents, I don’t view autism as a superpower. This narrative often glosses over the many obstacles that autistic individuals face.
The frustration my daughter experiences escalates daily. I can see it building when she begins to cry and lightly hit her head; that’s my signal to intervene. I attempt to communicate through pictures, sign language, or by presenting items that soothe her. Sometimes it feels like I’m running back and forth to the kitchen, trying to discover what she wants for breakfast. The saying “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit” does not apply to children with ASD.
I’ve collaborated with her pediatricians and therapists, and we’ve discovered that my daughter is a sensory seeker. Deep pressure can help her feel more grounded. When she exhibits harmful behaviors, we encourage her to engage in safer alternatives, like clapping or squeezing her hands. If she is hitting her head, we apply gentle pressure to her temples or use a compression vest. We even have a safety helmet for her during such episodes to help keep her safe.
Despite reading extensively about autism and listening to the insights of autistic adults, I often feel inadequate when my child continues to struggle with self-harm during meltdowns. This aspect of motherhood is gut-wrenching, and it pains me to witness the toll it takes on my daughter during her childhood.
I don’t have all the answers yet; there are no quick solutions for a lifetime of feeling misunderstood. But I’ve learned more about autism in the past year since her diagnosis, and that’s a starting point. While I strive to communicate effectively with my daughter, I also remind myself that she is trying as well. Together, we will navigate our path toward meaningful communication, with or without words.
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