I’ve been my mother-in-law’s main caregiver, and honestly, it’s left me feeling pretty resentful. For twelve years, I swapped my chaotic family for my husband’s seemingly perfect one, but now I’m questioning that choice. The reason? My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, and somehow, I’ve ended up as her primary caregiver.
No one officially appointed me to this role. Out of six sons and six daughters-in-law, everyone else is “too busy.” To me, that translates to no one really cares now that she’s not paying for our fancy family trips. Plus, they know I’ll step up and handle things.
The Challenges of Caregiving
Caring for her hasn’t been easy. If I’m honest, I’ve never particularly liked her. She’s obsessed with expensive decor and thinks anyone who doesn’t set a table like a pro is beneath her. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to get my groceries without fuss. We’re so different that it’s almost comical; she loves fresh flowers while my family is just trying to vacuum the cat hair off the couch before guests arrive. I never imagined I’d become her most relied-upon family member.
On the upside, her Alzheimer’s has softened her a bit. The biting sarcasm is mostly gone, replaced by a more grandmotherly demeanor. She’s now more vulnerable, offering cookies and hugs instead of critiques. I should appreciate that we’re closer, but instead, I feel a heavy resentment. While I’ve let go of some of my negative feelings towards her, I’ve grown increasingly frustrated with the rest of the family.
The Family Dynamics
Since her memory started fading, it seems like the family has scattered. Even those living just a few miles away hardly ever check in. I’m left managing everything from medication reminders to meal prep. I don’t want to sound like I’m playing the martyr, but it feels like everyone else is just doing the bare minimum. For example, my sister-in-law recently texted me that she scheduled a pedicure for my mother-in-law but added, “Someone will have to take her there. I’m out of town.” This is how it always plays out.
The term “someone” comes up frequently. “Someone needs to help her find her remote,” or “Someone should take her car keys.” And we all know who that “someone” is. My brother-in-law even texted about visiting, but he wanted to reschedule because the physical therapist was coming at the same time. It’s as if I’m the family’s personal assistant now.
Not once has anyone stepped up to truly share the responsibility. Sure, they send compliments like “You’re amazing!” or “I could never do what you do!” but it feels hollow. I’ve come to despise those words. I don’t want a pat on the back; I want genuine help. It’s frustrating when compliments feel like a way for them to feel good about themselves without actually contributing.
Feeling Overwhelmed
Friends suggest I should just back off, but how do you leave an elderly person with Alzheimer’s to fend for herself? I’m not sure how this will unfold, but I refuse to keep being the family’s “someone.”
When a family member passes away, it often reveals the true colors of those left behind, leading to squabbles over trivial things. I feel like I’m witnessing a similar unraveling now, even though my mother-in-law is still alive. I once felt a strong bond with my husband’s family, but now, as the neglected caregiver, I mostly feel resentment.
Resources for Support
If you’re exploring your own journey to motherhood, consider joining the Make a Mom Facebook group for support or check out Make a Mom, which offers at-home insemination services, including a reusable option. You can also learn more about the process by visiting how at home insemination works or read other insightful articles like this one on home insemination. For more resources on pregnancy, check out the Center for Reproductive Health.
Conclusion
In summary, being my mother-in-law’s caregiver has been a challenge that has left me feeling unappreciated and resentful, especially as the rest of the family remains largely absent.
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