It seems that the term “gaslighting” has become a frequent topic of discussion, especially in the realm of troubled relationships. Often, one partner accuses the other of “gaslighting” or being a “gaslighter.” This accusation implies that the accused is intentionally manipulating the other person to the point of questioning their reality. The term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband systematically leads his wife to believe she is losing her mind, including dismissing her concerns about dimming gas lights as mere imagination.
While “gaslighting” is certainly a popular buzzword, are we always using it correctly? According to Dr. Alex Rivera in an article on Psychology Today, what may feel like gaslighting can sometimes be mere manipulation, disagreement, or even someone just being rude. Although gaslighting is indeed a form of manipulative behavior, not all rude actions equate to gaslighting.
Dr. Rivera, who authored Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free, emphasizes two crucial components of gaslighting: inducing a person to doubt their perception of reality and doing so with intent. While manipulation can take many forms—such as harassment or coercion—these do not constitute gaslighting unless they involve questioning the victim’s sanity.
For example, if one partner belittles the other by calling them “worthless” to gain control, that’s abusive criticism, but it’s not gaslighting unless it leads the criticized partner to doubt their self-worth. Without that element, it remains a form of controlling and manipulative behavior, which is still harmful.
Gaslighting is often subtler than overt insults. It might look like a partner questioning your achievements, saying something like, “You got straight A’s in high school? But didn’t you go to a poorly funded school?” The gaslighter creates circumstances that make the victim doubt their intelligence, leading them to question everything they once felt confident about. This erosion of self-trust makes it easier for the gaslighter to maintain control.
Disagreements can also be mistaken for gaslighting. It’s perfectly normal for couples to remember events differently. This isn’t gaslighting unless one partner’s denial causes the other to doubt their sanity. For instance, I once dated someone who would twist stories to absolve himself of blame, even when presented with proof. His constant reshaping of reality left me feeling bewildered and unsure of my own memories. Resolving conflicts becomes impossible when facing such relentless shifts in reality—this is the essence of gaslighting.
Is Intent Always a Factor?
There’s debate about whether gaslighting requires malicious intent. Dr. Rivera insists that gaslighting must be intentional, while Dr. Sarah Lim argues that some may not be fully aware of their manipulative tactics. In my experience, my ex-partner likely wasn’t consciously trying to gaslight me; he just had a compulsion to always be right. His need to control the narrative led me to doubt my own understanding of events.
While it’s easy to overuse the term “gaslighting” in moments of frustration, it’s essential to trust your instincts. If someone makes you feel inadequate or questions your perception of reality, seek the support of trusted friends. You could be encountering a gaslighter—or simply someone who’s inconsiderate. Either way, you deserve happiness.
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In summary, while “gaslighting” is a term often misapplied, understanding its true definition helps distinguish it from other forms of manipulation. It’s crucial to recognize when your reality is being intentionally distorted and seek support when needed.
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