“You didn’t consider IVF?” That was the response I received when I shared with a colleague that my child was adopted from Ethiopia. My reply? No, I didn’t. I didn’t attempt anything. After enduring three heartbreaking miscarriages in succession, what more was there to explore?
My physician, who I found less than supportive (but that’s another story), referred me to a Women’s Reproductive Clinic for extensive testing and options. He sat with his hands folded, shook his head, and quietly remarked, “I believe you will be able to conceive; you might just require some assistance.”
“I believe you will be able to conceive…” My partner, Jake, and I had decided at the age of 27 that we were ready to start a family. I had gone into that same unsympathetic doctor’s office and stated, “I want to get pregnant. What should I do?”
“Have frequent intercourse,” he had suggested. This seemed straightforward enough. After all, I had witnessed many people successfully conceive. How difficult could it be? Yet, there I was, grappling with the aftermath of three miscarriages, countless pregnancy tests, lab visits, two D&Cs, and an ocean of tears, only to hear, “I believe you will be able to conceive.”
Perhaps I was no longer interested in the idea of pregnancy.
I reached out regarding the referral and days later received an overwhelming packet filled with medical history forms, test options, and more. It was daunting. The packet lingered on our coffee table for months, adorned with images of cheerful mothers cradling babies, making me feel miserable. Periodically, I would ask Jake, “Should we finish this paperwork?”
“Not right now… maybe later,” he would reply, engrossed in his Wall Street Journal.
“I’m not feeling motivated either,” I would concede.
Then one day, I posed the question, “Are we going to pursue this? Are we ready to undergo tests and begin this journey?” This sparked a long-overdue discussion. We both felt we had faced enough challenges and did not want to proceed down that path. Moving forward could lead to a baby, but it could also bring immense stress, physical strain on my body, and the unsettling possibility that one of us might be the issue. Choosing to walk away removed the uncertainty and lifted the shadow that loomed over us. I discarded the packet and finally felt at peace for the first time in months. Jake appeared to be rejuvenated.
“So, should we explore adoption?” I inquired.
“Sounds good,” he replied, his brevity speaking volumes. This response felt like a resounding, “Yes! Excited to move forward!”
And so we embarked on this journey. Adoption had always been a topic of discussion between us; it was clear this was a path we had envisioned together. I still recall being 18, just starting to date Jake, and asking, “What are your thoughts on adoption? I’d really like to adopt.”
“Sounds good,” he had responded back then. I had a sense even then that he was the right person to share this vision with.
When the adoption agency’s packet arrived, we filled it out immediately. We signed up for an informational session, researched various countries, and ordered relevant literature. Driven by a sense of purpose, we felt excited and relaxed, in stark contrast to the anxiety that had previously consumed us. I knew that we had made the right choice—this was our true path.
The wait was lengthy, and my impatience grew, but I remained calm. When we first laid eyes on EJ’s picture, everything—the struggles, the losses, the anxiety—vanished. For the first time, I found myself grateful for our journey, for without it, we wouldn’t have been gazing at the image of our adorable baby.
While it is likely we could conceive biologically—my new OBGYN even suggested it might not require IVF—we began discussing plans for more children about a year after EJ joined our family. I experienced feelings of guilt for considering just one child and for not wanting to pursue a biological option at all. Jake reassured me with his firm stance: “One and done!” This has become our mantra.
I hold immense respect for women who undergo fertility treatments; it demands remarkable strength and perseverance. However, it’s crucial to remember that every woman’s journey to motherhood is unique. Not everyone follows the same path, and some of us may diverge to explore different routes. But I am truly grateful every day that my path took a different turn.
For those seeking more information on fertility and pregnancy resources, consider visiting Mount Sinai’s Infertility Resources, which offers invaluable support. Also, for those interested in home insemination options, check out Cryobaby’s At-Home Insemination Kit for comprehensive solutions. If you’re looking for a home insemination kit, BabyMaker’s Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit is a great resource.
In summary, the journey to motherhood can take many forms, and it’s essential to honor each woman’s unique experience while recognizing that alternative paths can lead to fulfilling results.
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