The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll be kissing my four kids (and maybe my partner), hopping in the car, and living my best K-pop band BTS fan life for a week while my partner stays home with the kids. Just a side note: this isn’t my first solo trip this year (or ever), and each time, I feel zero regrets (well, maybe just wishing I’d done more of what I loved when I was younger and free).
Whenever I mention that I’m going on a trip — even if it’s just for a night out with friends or a concert — people often ask what my partner thinks about me having a social life.
If I’m in a good mood, I’ll say, “Oh, he’s totally cool with it. He’s used to it.” If I’m feeling a bit snarky, I might retort with something like, “One of us should enjoy life — and it’s going to be me.”
Honestly, I don’t care if that makes me come across as selfish. It’s my life, and I’ll live it how I want; I only get one shot. Plus, it’s not my responsibility to ensure my partner is happy — he can handle that himself. I don’t stop him from doing what makes him happy, so why should he have an issue with me doing the same?
He’s their father. He’ll manage just fine.
I’m so over the well-meaning but ridiculously sexist comments like, “That’s so nice of your partner to babysit the kids for you” or “How will he manage being with the kids alone?”
Last time I checked, my partner is also a parent to our four kids. He’s not babysitting — he’s parenting.
His role didn’t end after contributing half of their genetic material. Although I’m mainly a stay-at-home mom and I homeschool our kids, my partner is very involved. He handles a good chunk of the bedtime routine, plays with the kids, drives them to activities when possible, and spends nearly all his free time with them — even when I encourage him to hang out with his friends.
When I ask him why he doesn’t take that time for himself, he just shrugs and says he loves being with them. I often stare at him as if he’s speaking a different language.
I adore my kids — I’d genuinely go to the ends of the earth for them — but play a board game or watch whatever show they’re obsessed with this week? Hard pass.
Why are moms always the ones who get demonized?
Every time I write about being a hands-off parent or not fitting the mold of a perfect wife — anytime I share my honest thoughts on parenting — the comments flood in, labeling me as narcissistic, abusive, or whatever armchair diagnosis is trending at that moment.
But why?
I know I’m not the only mom who dislikes cooking, who taught her kids to be independent early on, or who doesn’t revolve every moment around her (adorable) children. I know this because women reach out to me after I share these thoughts, thanking me for voicing their feelings and helping them feel less alone.
Let’s face it: we all know why women are often cast as the villains.
Patriarchy. Hegemony. Tradition.
And who upholds the patriarchy? Women.
Stop Accepting Weaponized Incompetence
When my partner traveled for work and left me home alone with three children under seven while I was hugely pregnant, no one bothered to ask how I would cope. No one checked in to see if I could manage being outnumbered by little, wild humans while growing another tiny human.
No one asked me what I thought about my partner complaining that he started ordering salads because he was sick of eating filet mignon on the company’s dime. (And believe me, I had thoughts.)
No one inquired if he prepped meals for the week or organized the kids’ schedules before he left.
You know why? Because it was assumed that all child-rearing fell squarely on my shoulders.
Here’s a little wake-up call: parenting is also my partner’s responsibility. It’s his domain too.
Oh, and he’s a grown-up.
When I leave, I don’t worry about meals because he knows how to feed the kids (and if things get desperate, the kids can fend for themselves). He understands their schedules — and if he’s unsure, he can simply check our shared family calendar on his phone. And then — get this — he actually follows through.
I’ve never had to beg him to step up; I expect him to. Why? Because these kids are as much his as they are mine. If he didn’t have basic life skills, how could he hold down a job and be the primary breadwinner?
That’s right, dear reader. He wouldn’t be able to.
I’m not saying I don’t make adjustments to help him out; I do. I realize that when I’m away, things might not run as smoothly, and that’s okay. I also acknowledge I’m fortunate that he works from home now and that our kids are older, but I put in the hard work when they were younger and much more challenging, all while he wasn’t at home.
Let’s start normalizing men — and really, all men — not weaponizing their incompetence. We should make it scandalous when men dodge their responsibilities, trying to shift the entire burden of parenting onto our capable shoulders.
I believe in them, and I believe in you.
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In summary, let’s challenge the narrative that men are incompetent when it comes to parenting. It’s time to hold everyone accountable and share the load of family life.
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