Adoption and foster care can be pretty tricky topics. Here are eight important things you should really consider if you’re navigating this path.
My partner and I have been parents for over thirteen years now, and when we took the leap to adopt our first child, we spent a whole year diving into research. Back then, before podcasts became all the rage, there weren’t many resources available. We read countless adoption books and articles, most of which were written by “experts” in the field. We even had conversations with various members of the adoption triad — that’s adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents — to gain insight. We did our best with what we had, but thankfully, things have improved a lot since then. Today, there’s a wealth of resources out there that offer diverse perspectives.
When people find out we are an adoptive family, we often hear comments like “what a wonderful thing you’re doing” or “you’re such great parents.” While the intention is good, it can feel like our kids are seen more as charity cases rather than individuals. Adoption is often painted as a perfect solution, but the truth is that it’s full of complexities. With November being National Adoption Awareness Month, let’s break down some key points.
1. Don’t assume an adoptee was unwanted.
Jessica Lee, a birth mom turned adoptive parent, shared that placing her child for adoption was one of the hardest decisions she ever made. It can be really hurtful for people to assume that an adoptee was unwanted. She emphasizes that the decision came from a place of love and a desire to do what was best for her baby.
2. Foster care isn’t just an adoption program.
Mark Johnson, a seasoned foster parent, points out that the primary goal of foster care is to reunite children with their biological families. Many people think they can easily adopt through foster care, but that’s not how it works. The system is striving for family preservation, not just finding kids new homes.
3. Kids aren’t blank slates.
It’s a common misconception that nurture will always outweigh nature. Ashley Rivera, a former foster youth, explains that even newborns carry the weight of their past experiences. Trauma can be deeply ingrained in a child’s development, making their backgrounds incredibly important to consider.
4. Adoptive families are real families.
I can’t tell you how often we’ve been asked about our kids’ “real” parents. This kind of questioning can be really disrespectful to the children. All parents, whether by birth or adoption, are “real,” and it’s unfair to put adoptees in a position where they have to justify their family.
5. Adoptees don’t have to be grateful.
Sarah Thompson, an adoptee advocate, highlights that many adoptees are expected to express gratitude for their situation, which can lead to feelings of shame and unresolved grief. It’s crucial to allow adoptees to grieve their losses in their own way.
6. Stereotyping birth parents is damaging.
Jessica also adds that birth parents often face harsh stereotypes. They’re not just young or struggling; they’re individuals who made complex choices. It’s important to respect their roles and not compare them to adoptive parents.
7. Transracial adoptees need support.
Noah Baker, who was adopted from a different race, shared that fitting in can be tough. Adoptive families need to actively incorporate their child’s culture into daily life. If you’re considering transracial adoption, be ready to put in the work to combat your own biases.
8. Adoptees require ongoing support.
Jessica Adams, an adoptee and advocate, notes that adoption carries lifelong psychological impacts, including fears of abandonment. She stresses the importance of having trauma-informed support and understanding the cultural identity of adoptees.
Historically, National Adoption Awareness Month has been more focused on the perspectives of adoptive parents. However, things are changing, with more adoptees and birth parents sharing their experiences on platforms like social media. It’s crucial that we take the time to listen, learn, and honor these voices.
If you’re looking for resources to start your journey, check out Make A Mom for at-home insemination options or join the Make A Mom Facebook group for community support. For a detailed look at how at-home insemination works, visit this link. And if you’re interested in a quality insemination kit, this baby maker kit is an excellent choice. You can also explore UCSF’s Center for more information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, adoption and foster care are complex and nuanced experiences. It’s essential to approach these topics with respect, empathy, and an open mind to the realities faced by all parties involved.
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