I’m a divorced mom with three kids. My ex has a serious girlfriend who lives with him, and I’m also in a committed relationship. It’s likely that my ex will tie the knot again soon. While my kids get along great with his girlfriend, there’s one word that makes them uncomfortable: “stepmom.”
One day during a heart-to-heart, my daughter opened up about how she felt. My ex’s girlfriend had reacted poorly because my daughter didn’t want to share a room with her younger daughter. Although there was plenty of space for both girls to have their own rooms, my daughter—a teenager—wasn’t interested in sharing. The girlfriend took it personally, leading to some tension.
In that moment, my daughter said, “She’s not my mom. Even if she and Dad get married, she won’t be my mom.” Honestly, I’m not about to challenge her feelings on this. I completely agree with her. Growing up, I had step-parents who were forced upon us, and it felt overwhelming. I think we needed the time and space to figure out who these new people were in our lives without the added pressure of titles.
To me, “step-parent” is just a label. I want my kids to respect the people their parents are with, but they don’t need to see them as their parents. They’ve got two loving parents already, and no one can take that place.
The same goes for my boyfriend’s kids. I’m not here to replace their mom or to try and be a parent to them. Even if we all live together, I haven’t earned that title. I can be a supportive adult in their lives and offer guidance, but I’m not a parent to them, nor do I wish to be.
Gabrielle Union’s Perspective
Gabrielle Union shares a similar perspective. During an appearance on Glennon Doyle’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things,” she mentioned how much she dislikes the term “step-parent.” Union, who is married to Dwyane Wade and helps raise his three kids, emphasized the importance of being a consistent presence in their lives. She said, “I knew I needed to be consistent. I just didn’t know what my role was.” It’s a poignant reminder that children go through enough upheaval when their parents separate; they don’t need to be burdened with the pressure of new parental figures.
Union also offered some sound advice: “You will never be able to replace the other parent. Don’t try to do that. Your job is to be consistent.” I resonate with this. I’m too busy parenting my own kids and co-parenting with their dad to juggle additional parenting roles. Different parenting styles can complicate things, so it’s best to allow each parent to do their thing.
That doesn’t mean we don’t communicate or lean on each other for support. There have been times I’ve reached out to my ex’s girlfriend for help, and she’s always willing to assist because she cares for my kids as part of her love for their dad.
The Importance of Comfort Over Labels
Not everything needs a label. I find the term “step-parent” cringeworthy, just as I’ve never felt comfortable calling my in-laws “Mom” or “Dad.” It’s simply a matter of personal comfort, and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. If you embrace the term step-parent, that’s perfectly fine too. For my family, we’ll stick to fostering love and support without needing titles.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of blended families can be challenging, but focusing on love and support over labels can make the journey smoother for everyone involved.
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